Weekend Peep Show: Grind Me a River—a River of Blood!

Grindhouse The Weinstein Company
It's finally here! The movie you've been chomping at the bit to see because of the primal heat and sex factorl! Ta-da….Firehouse Dog. Gotcha! Okay, the double-feature brainchild of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino known as Grindhouse is the one that has my wallet watering. Scared of Rose McGowan's leg, are ya? Don't be. It's probably no scarier than a sequel about home improvement. Here's what you're facing this weekend:

Grindhouse
I wouldn't be surprised if comic book-collecting guys who get shy around real-life girls start convulsing midway through this carnival of gore and depravity. Freddy Rodriguez better never get stuck playing a doomed busboy ever again. Marley Shelton never had as much purpose as an actress or a hottie. Yep, Grindhouse is that movie that you have to see, even if only to watch McGowan shoot from the leg or pull your hair out over the looong dialogue scenes in Death Proof. Every line, every pack of cigarettes, every panel of every floor in every room feels crafted and nurtured. If you're not stirred up when you leave the theater, you should get your heart checked out. But don't do it in a hospital full of zombies!

The Hoax Ken Regan/ Miramax Films

The Hoax (limited release)
I'm happy that Miramax is doing right by this brainy thriller and giving it a slow release, which means some of you might have to wait. Hopefully, come Sunday a friend will call and be all "Richard Gere hasn't simmered like this since Looking for Mr. Goodbar!" And I would agree. Gere is on fire as Clifford Irving, the man who infamously convinced a publishing house that he was writing an exclusive biography of Howard Hughes. And Alfred Molina stokes that fire something fierce. Hey, maybe they'll both get Oscar nominations. Lord knows they deserve it.

 

The Reaping Warner Bros. Entertainment

The Reaping
Rotten Tomatoes has 95 percent of critics panning this Hilary Swank CGI/religion thriller. Bad reviews and the fact that 95 percent of people probably want to see a river of blood make Reaping a real contender. If you want to scream and grab your boyfriend and miss half the movie because you're hiding, this is your ticket. Side note: The R rating is totally just because of the religious content, and perhaps the icky menstrual blood. Okay, I just wrote menstrual. We are so done yet.

Are We Done Yet?
We have to acknowledge this sequel in which Ice Cube and Nia Long remodel their house. Here's what depresses me the most about this profit-seeking poof with screen-savvy leads. Lately, it feels like family is a euphemism for crap. What a shame. Clean can be fun: The Goonies or Terry Gilliam's Time Bandits or Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Alas, kids have got to get out of the house, and kids will probably be happier with lovable Ice Cube than with…

Firehouse Dog Bruce Macaulay/Regency Entertainment/Monarchy Enterprises

Firehouse Dog
Imagine Look Who's Talking if the baby had no voiceover. Yeah, the romance between John Travolta and Kirstey Alley—sweet, asexual and saccharine as it was, well, it wouldn't suck you in without Mikey's narration. The protagonist of Dog has no voice, yet it isn't a silent movie. This baby has direct-to-DVD written all over it, yet here it is, as Fox shamelessly seeks to dip into the caravan set's coffers. Tsk-tsk!

The TV Set ThinkFilm

The TV Set (limited release)
If you live in New York or Los Angeles, you have no—repeat, no—excuse for not seeing this movie this weekend. You have to for the sake of your countrymen in other parts. See Judy Greer scare the bejesus out of David Duchovny when she tells him she has never seen Taxi Driver. Judy tells me it's her favorite scene in the whole movie. I can see that, but then again, every scene with Sigourney Weaver is also the best scene. Okay, my gushiness is grossing me out.

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