H'wood Party Girl

John Sciulli/WireImage.com

RSVPs:  Christian Slater, Zooey Deschanel and, yes, Paris and Nicole
Where:  Raleigh Studios
When:  Nov. 28

I feel just a tad underdressed as I walk into a sea of suits at Volkswagen's Concept Tiguan Party. I must have missed the "business dress only" memo. The neon lights mimicking Hollywood landmarks confirm I'm indeed at the right fete, but I can't fathom Paris partying with all these corporate guns. Yawn.

American execs huddle with their German counterparts on the dance floor, boasting about the Toureg's little bro, Tiguan, the company's new fuel-efficient SUV. "Eez nut a car to reflect your social status," a German musician says of the people's car. "Eez a classic like Levi's jean or Converse Chuck." He goes on to say the new ride, which doesn't even come out until 2008, is stylish and modern. "German cars are zee best cars in zee vurld," he enthusiastically declares. Biased much?

An hour into the bash, the young'uns begin to roll in, and I feel much more comfortable. Jean-clad Kyle XY star Matt Dallas keeps it cazh while chatting up America's Next Top Model's Melrose. Meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson avoids any fallout with ex-flame Pete Wentz by chilling with 'N Sync babe JC Chasez and newly single O.C. guy Adam Brody. Though Britney's not at the bash, JC defends buddy Justin Timberlake's former gal. "People forget she’s in her twenties, so they want to get on her case for partying," he says of the soon-to-be divorcée. "But I remember when I was a kid, my parents went out on weekends and got us a babysitter." Um, but did your mom go pantyless for the paparazzi? I don’t think so.

It looks like the older you get, the hungrier you become, because I've never seen so many people eat at a party. I'm mesmerized by men scarfing massive quantities of ahi tuna, French fries and, of course, mini versions of the German hamburger. (You know, from Hamburg.) It's a good thing skeleton stylist Rachel Zoe isn't here, or she might consume a calorie through osmosis.

Not eating is Omarosa-like Bachelor contestant Erica. She's too busy texting. And watch out, because this socialite texts while she drives. “I’ve definitely gotten in some horrible car accidents," she confesses. "One time, my car flipped, and it was just really scary." Maybe you should chill a bit on the phone, hon.

Lauren "LC" Conrad isn't exactly a Jeff Gordon, either. "When I have bigger cars, I hit more stuff," she says. Luckily, this California babe sticks to her CLK convertible, which might be a gas guzzler, but hey, she tried  to be environmentally friendly: "I was going to get the Lexus hybrid, but it had, like, a year or two waiting list." I guess that's better than Kim Kardashian,  who's keeping her fingers crossed for a white Lamborghini this Christmas to match her white leather boots. So not  hot.

Waiting seems to be a theme in LC's life, because she's stuck outside the "filled to capacity" pods. As Zooey Deschanel is escorted through, Lauren hugs Heroes star Hayden Panettiere, shrieking about how she hasn't seen the itty-bitty blonde in, like, forever. But the two don't manage to sneak past the bouncer with Hills star Heidi Montag.

All of sudden, one of  Kristin Cavallari's buds shoves a partygoer, and I wind up getting the brunt of their punches. "Are you okay?" Hayden asks. I nod and notice a slight pain in my arm. "Don't worry, my bodyguard has us," she reassures me. Ahhh, my hero.

Drums start pounding, and I get super excited in anticipation of Ludacris' performance. False alarm. A bright orange SUV slides across the stage, and Volkswagen CEO Dr. Wolfgang Bernard begins introducing the latest concept car. "It has a wery confident frond end, zee eyes are open, wery friendly," he begins. "Look at zeez veels and tires, aren't zey nice?" The suits are snapping pics, but most of the celebs seem more interested in the fishbowls hanging from the scaffolding. "I was listening, then I was like...zzzzz," whispers Queer Eye for the Straight Guy's Jai Rodriguez. But indie beauty Zooey is intrigued. "I'm probably going to get one of these," the Volvo driver tells me. "It has lots of room, and it's environmentally friendly." At least there's one do-gooder in the room.

When Bernard finally cedes the stage to rapmeister 'Cris, I'm curious how the crowd is going to react. Does anyone over 40 even know who Ludacris is? Whether they do or not, zee Germans sure love zee rap music. They're dancing more than Hayden, Heidi and LC combined, going especially crazy when they get a shout-out. "Whaddup to everybody wearing a suit," Luda hollers, before kicking into "Roll Out." One dancing gray-haired man brags to his friend, as his wedding ring shines in my eye. "I flew her out last month. She was a 21-year-old piece of ass." So, that's how the suits stay young. How lame.

Arriving fashionably late, Dita Von Teese looks gothically gorgeous in black elbow-length gloves. "I'm lamenting my departure from Paris," she says of her dark ensemble. Tear. Hopefully, the burlesque babe's one-year anniversary with too-ghoul-for-you hubby Marilyn Manson will lighten her spirits. Unless she prefers them darkened?!?

Additional party scoping provided by fete froshy My Thanh Mac