Ask the Answer B!tch

I am in my mid thirties and in search of age-appropriate male celebrities to be dreamy over. There are NONE. All I have are Ben Affleck, Matt Damon—no thanks on both counts—and Vince Vaughn. (He might have been cute pre-Jen but not now). Why are all the hot guys either under 25 (that's just gross) or over 45?
—Patty, Sticksville, Minnesota

The B!tch Replies:  Eureka's Tom Ferguson is 35. So is Tyson Beckford. Leo is 32. Christian Bale is 33. Mark Wahlberg is 36. And Edward Norton is 38. So, be silent. I shall now strew truth across the Internet like stray hairs from Britney's weave, in another weekly Lightning Round...

What the hell is Pinkberry?
—Mimi, Dallas

A chain store that sells tart yogurt to tarts like Paris Hilton.

If I meet a guy in Park City who tells me he's a grip on a major Hollywood film, should I be impressed?
—Madge, St. George, Utah

If you're a clapper loader, yes.

Do you think the lackluster box-office numbers for the movie Lions for Lambs have less to do with the quality of the film and more to do with the fact that the public is way sick of Tom Cruise?
—Michele, St. Louis

No, I think it takes a few weeks for the Baby Boomers to shamble out to their cars and then find the theater.

Why doesn't Britney just buy a tanning bed and a fancy coffee maker for her house? Then she wouldn't have to go out every day and deal with the throngs of paparazzi…oh, wait, I think I just answered my own question.
—Abby, Clemmons, North Carolina

The Force is strong in this one.

Minnesota is great. If you didn't have such an L.A. superiority complex, you'd realize it. Come on, Prince lives here. Too bad your show is funny, or I'd stop listening!
—Cassi, Minneapolis

Yeah, but how do you keep your laptops from freezing inside your igloos? And what does whale taste like?

What the crap is a show runner? It sounds like the kid who gets coffee for the writers.
—Kate, Mesa, Arizona

It's the person in charge of everything creative on a TV show. The show runner may run the writers' room, for example, or just hover over everyone else on the set and decide which characters get to evolve and which get to die. Show runners usually merit executive producer credits. And someone usually brings them coffee.

Why is it we always hear about actors and actresses working on several movies, yet we never hear about many of these movies ever again? Am I oblivious to these movies being released, or are celebrities actually starring in flicks that never make it to theaters?
—Emily, Shenandoah Valley, Virginia

The latter. J.Lo's latest effort, Bordertown, for instance, is going straight to DVD.

Did Kimora Lee Simmons and Russell Simmons get a divorce?
—Ashley, Gulf Breeze, Florida

Yiss.

I don't actually have a question. Just wanted to let you know that I find you wickedly funny, sharp as a gleaming Wusthof Santoku knife and beyond entertaining. I would not want you mad at me. I have to say it is a kick in the rear (in a really good way) to read your answers to the most mundane, "get a life people, please" sort of questions, a category to which I feel most of these questions belong. You treat all with the utmost respect, bless your heart. Thanks for the evil fun!
—Victoria, Danville, California

You are NOT WELCOME. Because I am EVIL.

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