I'm a fan of both CSI and Law & Order. However, the two seem to contradict each other. On CSI, the cases are investigated primarily by the crime scene investigators, and the police are simply background drones. On Law & Order, it's vice versa. Which show is more accurate?
—Kerri, Venice, California
The B!tch Replies: Let's get America's most burning question out of the way first. Apparently, many real-life crime fighters do have the same rapier wit as William Petersen. Granted, their bons mots are not immediately followed by a jagged flourish of geriat-rock, but still, the gents in blue can be quite clever.
"Let's put it this way," law enforcement consultant Mike Witzgall tells this B!tch, "if a [forensics] person came out to a crime scene and started ordering me around, honestly, there would soon be two crime scenes."
See what I mean? Classic.
Generally, consultants tell this B!tch, Law & Order wins in the accuracy department. Why? Where do we start? Unlike Petersen's crack team of far-roving justice hotties, real CSI types generally do not leave the lab without being summoned by cops. Instead, Witzgall says, forensic crime-scene workers are more like rare crypt creatures.
"They're like vampires," Witzgall quips.
Let's see, what else? Well, despite what Marg Helgenberger might like you to believe, CSIs generally do not grill suspects. That's Gary Sinise's job.
Nor, generally, do CSIs hunt down murderers using little more than a Glock and a pair of $200 jeans from wardrobe.
Speaking of Helgenberger's CSI character:
"In Las Vegas, they've got a morality clause for people who become sworn officers—people who get a badge and a gun—and it's very doubtful that a former pole dancer's going to be given that power," Witzgall says. "In that lifestyle, a lot of people consort with felons, there's a lot of drug use—and look at her background. She's the daughter of a mafioso type, and she's carrying a badge and a gun."
Yes, Mike, but she can also bust a bad guy in really tight pants. That counts for something, right?
- NEXT QUESTION: What will Owen tell the press?
- GET MY PODCAST: It's weekly, free and hilarious!