Ask the Answer B!tch

What are the 100 most important questions you’ve ever answered?
—Chuck Nundrum, Woody Creek, Colorado

The B!tch Replies:  Hello, wherever you are on this fine planet, it's E! Online's Answer B!tch and golly, do I have news for you. I have done my broadband video show, the one you can watch in the li'l box there to the right of this column, for 100 episodes. One hundred episodes of answering your most burning questions about the inner workings of Hollywood. I have answered them all.

To congratulate myself for a job well done and to remind you just how elite an operation I run, my crack team and I have assembled the 100 Most Burning Questions about Hollywood, and we present them to you, the loving assembly. Catch them all in the video, or dig this preview:

How do I become a celebrity assistant?
Work at a five-star hotel and wait for an A-lister to kidnap you. Or go work at the boutiques on Robertson or Rodeo. Ms. Aguilera will eventually take notice at how well you deliver a latte without looking directly at her.

How much do talk shows pay for appearances?
Eh, a few hundred bucks. Nothing that would cover a night at L'Ermitage or anything.

Is Napoleon Dynamite dead?
No.

Is Urkel dead?
No.

Is Sinbad dead?
No.

Who is really gay in Hollywood?
You know what? This is one you really have to click the video to see. Can't do it justice here, and man do I do it justice.

Do stars get paid their $20 million in one check or in installments?
In weekly installments, throughout the course of filming.

How can you tell the Olsen twins apart?
Ashley is taller and has a freckle on her lip and does not crawl out of her crypt only at night to feed on the blood of her victims.

How can underage stars get into clubs?
If a club serves food, it's technically a restaurant. Bends all the rules.

How many nannies does it take to raise the typical celebrity's child?
Three.

Do tabloids pay for information?
Yes. Even though they say they don't.

Do stars walk their own dogs?
No. Unless there's a paparazzo around, then yes.

Why is it so easy to hate F-Ked?
His physical resemblance to a weasel creates the urge to hate him before we even get to know him.

How many famous people are there?
Roughly 6,570.

Do stars use ATMs?
Sometimes.

Why is Hollywood full of blondes?
Because blondes are statistically rarer and therefore more likely to be stared at.

What's the real deal behind Scientology? Is it as crazy as they say?
Wow, we really are getting brave, aren't we? Okay, well, again, this is one we really nail in the video. So, you might just wanna watch it.

What is going on with Travis Fimmel these days?
Are you kids still writing to me? Lord.

Will Britney make a recovery?
If she shuts up, and I don't know if she can.

Is Anna Nicole in a better place?
Kids. I believe Anna Nicole is in a magical place, a place filled with pink and yellow flying ponies, where everything is spelled in the same way as the words in her diary and exclamation points and the letter i are always dotted with hearts and pink satin pillows grow on trees next to fountains that constantly shoot gentle sprays of champagne and strawberry Quik and chloral hydrate. And everyone loves each other, and everyone is sexy.

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