So dark the con of Hollywood.
There's no such thing as bad publicity, even when it comes to the The Da Vinci Code. But there is such a thing as a bad movie.
And for those critics who attended Tuesday's kickoff of the 59th annual Cannes Film Festival and took in Ron Howard's two-and-a-half hour opus adapted from Dan Brown's controversial bestseller, there was also laughter--albeit the unintentional kind.
After it served as the opening night film along the Croisette before its worldwide rollout over the next two days, early reaction to the The Da Vinci Code was decidedly mixed, with a majority of the reviews coming down hard on the murder thriller's lack of suspense, slow pace and excruciatingly heavy-handed melodrama.
"A pulpy page-turner in its original incarnation as a huge international bestseller has become a stodgy, grim thing in the exceedingly literal-minded film version of The Da Vinci Code," opined Variety film critic Todd McCarthy.
"[Howard and writer Akiva Goldsman] conspired to drain any sense of fun out of the melodrama, leaving expectant audiences with an oppressively talky film that isn't exactly dull but comes as close to it as one could imagine with such provocative material."
Good thing it was screening out of competition.
Da Vinci's overreliance on exposition drew jeers on several occasions toward the end of the screening and even prompted a few walkouts, as it faithfully went through the motions of translating Brown's elaborate puzzler of a book to the big screen.
"At the high point, there was laughter among the journalists. Not loud laughs, but a snicker, and I think that says it all," the Associated Foreign Press quoted Gerson Da Cunha from the Times of India.
Some critics crucified the $125 million blockbuster as a bloated, "unwieldy" exercise in mechanical filmmaking at its worst, while others panned the performance of its stars Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou as symbologist Robert Langdon and French cryptologist Sophie Neveu.
"I haven't read the book, but there was just a ridiculous amount of exposition," wrote Lee Marshall of Screen International. "I thought it was plodding, and there was a complete lack of chemistry between Audrey Tautou and Tom Hanks."
"Tom Hanks was a zombie; thank goodness for Ian McKellen. It was overplayed, there was too much music--and it was much too grandiose," the Boston Globe's Peter Brunette told Agence France-Presse.
The Hollywood Reporter's Kirk Honeycutt refused to grant it absolution either.
The filmmakers "can't do much...with mostly colorless characters designed around idiosyncrasies and weird scholarly talents--sort of academic X-Men--rather than flesh-and-blood personalities," he wrote, though he did hasten to lavish praise on (X-Men star) Ian McKellen for delivering Da Vinci's sole redeeming performance.
Not everyone hated the heavily hyped whodunit. Igor Soukmanov, critic from Unistar Radio in Belarus, hailed the picture as an enjoyable ride.
"Maybe the next day I'll forget about it," said Soukmanov. "But today for two hours, it was good entertainment...As a Hollywood movie, it's a very nice picture."
During the closing credits, rather than applaud, Cannes' traditionally tough audience fell into a sustained silence punctuated only by the occasionally disdainful catcall.
Most of the critics agreed that Da Vinci went to great lengths not to offend the faith of conservative Christians, given its supposedly sinful premise that Jesus married Mary Magdalene and had a child, and that a centuries-old conspiracy existed within the Church covering up that fact.
Before its release, the Vatican and various Catholic leaders around the world called for a boycott of the film, claiming it disrespects Christian beliefs. But so far, there haven't been any bans put into place, despite religious organizations' demands, including one evangelical group's request in Thailand that the government cut the last 15 minutes.
The filmmakers and distributor Sony Pictures have also refused to add a disclaimer to the film.
The hullabaloo extended to Cannes, where a Roman Catholic nun wearing a brown habit was spotted kneeling in prayer at the base of the red carpet, holding a rosary.
At a press conference earlier in the day, Howard played down the controversy and reminded everyone that Da Vinci is a work of fiction.
"There's no question that the film is likely to be upsetting to some people," the director said. "My advice, since virtually no one has really seen the movie yet, is to not go and see the movie if you think you're going to be upset. Wait. Talk to somebody who has seen it...and then arrive at an opinion about the movie itself. Again, this is supposed to be entertainment. It's not theology."
For his part, Hanks noted Da Vinci is "not a documentary." Instead, he said he thinks it offers a chance for people to reflect on their own place in the universe and explore their own conception of God.
When asked if he believed Christ was married, the two-time Oscar winner joked, "Well, I wasn't around."
The Cannes Film Festival runs through May 28.