"Cheryl enters the bedroom in her bathrobe, and Jim's jaw drops in disbelief...[He] is insistent and begins to offer some fantasy-game suggestions."

According to Jim or Danielle Steel?

A bit of both, actually. A study released Wednesday by the non-profit Kaiser Family Foundation made headlines for its findings that the number of sex scenes on TV nearly doubled from 1998 to 2005. And as prime time goes, so apparently goes scientific research.

In presenting its evidence, the 79-page study, Sex on TV 4, contains numerous Harlequin Romance-tinged recaps of everything from Scrubs to According to Jim.

A suggestive sampling:

"Nick sees Dana in the tub, her body glistening in the candlelight...Nick quickly sheds his clothes and joins her in the tub. The two begin to embrace, kiss and fondle one another. Then Dana reaches down under the water, causing Nick to exclaim, "Ooooh." (Sex on TV 4, on Strong Medicine)
"Ben guides Ms. Young onto a table, knocking over some files in the process and smothers her with kisses, moving down to the lowest part of her V-neck sweater. His face is nestled between her breasts, when he hears a noise...Ms. Young [pulls] him back down by his shirt. Once again Ben begins to kiss her chest while she moans in pleasure." (On the short-lived, but apparently not-short-on-spunk Life As We Know It)
"Sixteen-year-old Bradin Westerly and his girlfriend Callie savor a private moment on a moonlit beach. Bathed in the light from the campfire, Bradin and Callie are kissing." (On Summerland)
"Taunting [Michael], Janet answers while pointing to her body and thrusting her hips provocatively back and forward...Again, suggestively thrusting her hips, she teases, 'And none of this. None of this [for you], Michael." (On My Wife and Kids)
"Carla asks, 'How great is it not having J.D. around, huh?' 'So great, so great!' responds Chris, as he spanks Carla teasingly with a spatula." (On Scrubs)
"The episode opens with Carrie Heffernan, dressed in a sexy black lingerie..." (On King of Queens)
"This scene begins with Julie Cooper and her ex-husband Jimmy already naked under the bed's covers. Breathless, the two are kissing passionately with Julie directly on top of Jimmy." (On The O.C.)
"An extended flashback scene occurs in which Michiko recalls Ms. Gayle eating sushi dinner off her [Michiko's] mostly naked body...The scene shows extended close-up views of Ms. Gayle caressing Michiko's body and sucking on her toes." (On CSI: NY)

And finally:

"Sonny suspects a problem and wants to probe it with Carly...Without a word, close-up views of the couple's intertwined bodies continue for over 90 seconds as they are shown from a wide range of angles while making love." (On General Hospital)

Overall, the report, which found something with which to stir the loins in 70 percent of all surveyed shows, is no Fear of Flying.

The study starts out soberly defining its parameters, and ends up soberly spitting out its data. The story is one told by researchers who "analyzed" 1,154 programs on 10 networks (ABC, CBS, Fox, NBC, PBS, the WB, Lifetime, TNT, USA, HBO) from October 2004 to April 2005. Armed with TV Guides, they sampled talk shows, reality shows, soap operas, newsmagazines, sitcoms, drama series and movies, skipping newscasts and sports. Children's programs also were bypassed, with researchers apparently taking Dora the Explorer's title in the literal way in which it is meant.

If kids' shows were out, then teen shows were in. Special attention was paid to the 20 most popular shows among viewers age 12-17. Indeed, the report's raison d'etre lie in teen viewing--it cited several other studies linking teen viewing habits to sexual behavior (i.e., the more sex teens see on TV, the more likely teens are to try it out for themselves).

For those concerned with teens' television diet, the good news was that seven of their favorite shows, led by American Idol, were reality shows, found by researchers to contain the least amount of sexual content of any genre. Movies contained the most, followed closely by comedy series and soap operas.

For the purposes of the study, sexual behavior was broken down into six categories: "Physical flirting"; "passionate kissing"; "intimate touching"; "sexual intercourse strongly implied"; "sexual intercourse depicted"; and, possibly in a nod to HBO's Cathouse, "other."

Researchers, not under orders to monitor Cinemax, found little evidence of made-for-TV intercourse, although such incidents increased from being found on 7 percent of all surveyed shows in 1998 to 11 percent in 2005.

Concluded the study on page 59: "Sex is plentiful on television."

And then it went out and had a cigarette.