The Awful Truth

Which "straight" TV star's the latest to take a (painful) hike up Action Alley? Hey, it's Blind Vice Friday! And with a full sked of snarkiness ahead, Charlize Theron, reportedly the Northwest’s queen be-yotch, starts us off by requiring commoners—so say local peeved types—to not dare engage the Oscar stunner in guess which way? If you said, any, you’re no doubt an AT aficionado!  Plus, an amply endowed porn star’s plenty peeved her infamy doesn’t prevent her from waiting in line, poor baby.
We’re very bitchy today here at AT-ville, so sorry, we’ll just do one group apology from the get-go, sound good? But don’t worry, we’re sassin’ full service. That means you civilians are getting it between the e-eyes too, not just cranky celebrities! Read on, babes.

So, you’ve beaten the odds to become a rich 'n' famous actress, your talent and beauty beloved by everyone round the globe. Congrats on charming the world, girl. But don’t sit too pretty for too long—you may still be a movie star, but now you get ripped apart just for existing, your above-average acting and attractiveness be damned.

Our kicked-in-the-shins star o' the day is stunner Charlize Theron, who has set an entire small town ablaze with hatred for this blonde’s supposed detestable diva behavior. Several Oregon-coast types were surprised to find themselves right beside the exterior set of The Burning Plain, a drama starring Char-babe and Sex and the City hunk John Corbett. It was the flick’s final day of filming, and our intrepid locals toughed out the cold, hoping to spot some superstar power in their tiny town.

Whelp, they sure did. While waiting for celeb spottings, the on-set workers warned them, “Don’t look Ms. Theron in the eyes! Don’t point, don’t stare and absolutely no pictures!” One gal in the film crew mentioned the time she got lashed out from the director for looking directly into Charley’s precious pupils.

C.T. finally showed her pretty pout, and went back and forth from ignoring the set-stowaways to glaring at their presence. Our slighted sources also say Char-T was rude to the traffic controllers around the area, who were also cautioned to abide by her diva-mands and no-eye-contact commands.

The Oscar-winning woman sure left a monstrous impression in this small Northwest town. Johnny C, on the other hand, came out looking like a total sweetheart, every bit the gentleman he plays in every damn movie and TV show he’s in. Guess the gorgeous guy is totally typecast, huh?

I’ve got a devil’s advocate Q for the trash-talkin’ citizens who obvs love to hate on H-town regulars out of their element: How did they expect Char-hon to act? Hugs and kisses to strangers who should most likely not be allowed on a poppin' film set? Girl’s an extremely famous woman—I bet she gets both aggravated and anxious around people who wander in off the streets (or out of the woods, in this case), lest they start snapping away on their camera phones or try pitching scripts to her, which I’m pretty positive happens quite a lot.

Like, maybe, the Academy Award-winning bitch has a scene to get in character for? In between pupil tantrums, that is. This leading lady’s just doing her job. How would you react if a couple of unfamiliar faces visited your cubicle and wanted you to pat 'em on the back for being there? While you were expected to work wonders with the spreadsheet?

Jenna Jameson and her wrestler b-f, Tito Ortiz, got their class on at the Night of 100 Stars (more like 99 Stars and 1 Former Porn Actress) Oscar viewing party at the Bev Hills Hotel. T.O. rocked a suit while J2 wore the bare minimum of clothes to keep it formalesque while still revealing her sticker-book selection of tattoos all over her skin. The irrelevant duo headed over to the gifting lounge and waited patiently in line to score some free shades at the Eyebuydirect.com booth. Unforch for them, holding up the line was former Miss USA...

Ali Landry, monopolizing the mirror, studying herself in several different frames. Double J was livid, living without her free shizz—you could tell she just wanted to start panting and moaning “Faster! Do it! Yeah!” to Miss L. Too bad those days are long behind J2, right?  Uh, right? Keeping it on the low-down down south in mosquito mecca was...

Nick Hogan, watching a Tampa Bay Lightning hockey game down in Eff-Hell-Ay. N.H. sat with four other fellas who were having tons of fun, though Hogey himself looked listless during the boys' night out. Nicky kept mostly quiet while his buds loudly gabbed and cheered. The fivesome took off after about an hour—N.H. prolly convinced his companions that he wasn’t in the merry mood for a sports scene. Guess a DUI charge and his parents splitting up would take all the simple fun out of most things, huh?

Dear Ted:
It seems like I've been waiting forever for Brad and Skankelina to split. How much longer do I have to hold back vomit (from the constantly photographed schmoopiness) now that she's pregnant again? Please don't say they'll stay together long, or I'll be as sad as the tabloids claim Jen is. Love ya, even if you do give me bad news!
  Julie
  Potsdam, New York

Dear Bile Vile:
Skankelina? Oh, evil girlfriend, jealous much? Remember, it takes two to bake a skank soufflé. And, yes, get ready to be keeping down your vomit for the near future. Skanky ain’t done with Schmucky just yet.

Oh, babycakes, if you’ve ever had a first-time sex story gone awry, this is the Blind Vice for you! Poor closeted TV star Chumpy "Shepp" Impaled...He finally decides to sate his boy-on-boy curiosities, and—unbeknownst to Chumpy—he picks a friggin’ journalist for his inaugural boink, horrors!