Dear Superman,

I thought we were friends. Or at least professional colleagues with a healthy respect of each other's powers--and boundaries.

Imagine my shock then when I cracked opened the Hollywood trades Monday morning here at Xavier Mansion, and read that my director--my director--had become your director.

"Supe's on with 'X' Man," Variety said. "Singer Gives Superman 'X'-Ray Vision," the Hollywood Reporter countered.

So, you've stolen Bryan Singer. You know at least when Mystique tries to stab me in the back she jumps up in the air first and does a couple of fancy somersaults so I have time to prepare my claws.

But you--you conniving Kryptonian--you pretend you're all about truth, justice and the American way, when all you're really about is getting back on the big screen anyway, anyhow.

The papers say Singer inked the deal with Warner Bros. on Friday. Variety says he'll probably bring screenwriters Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris along, too.

(Oh, did I say "screenwriters"? I meant "my screenwriters." Mike and Dan helped write X2--maybe you caught that flick while you were busy not getting your stupid movie made.)

With Singer committing to you, the Reporter says his planned Logan's Run remake is now in "a gray zone"--big deal. And Variety says he probably won't have time for X-Men 3--very, very big deal, dude.

Fox has penciled in May 5, 2006, as the release date for X-Men 3. I know you're unfamiliar with the concept, but a release date is WHEN A MOVIE'S SUPPOSED TO COME OUT!

How is my movie supposed to come out without a director? Oh, sure, Fox'll find somebody else. But somebody else won't be Bryan Singer. The man who plotted out and directed our first two movies (combined domestic gross: $372.2 million). The man who recognized a hero with furry sideburns could too be a leading man. The man who knows who Keyser Soze is.

In a way, I don't know why I'm getting all worked up.

So, Bryan's hooking up with you. So, he claims his "interest in [you] dates back many, many years." So, he professes to love the original Richard Donner Superman movie. So, he says, "it is time for [you] to fly again."

So, what?

Superman, you are like the messed-up hot chick who can't keep a guy.

Sure, Bryan's enamored with you--now. At one time, so was McG. So was Brett Ratner. So was Tim Burton. Even Michael Bay was rumored to have given you a look.

Got quite a collection of ex-suitors there, don't you? (Say, do you keep their pictures on a wall in the Fortress of Solitude--maybe next to your Lois Lane shrine?--you nutball stalker.)

Oh, I know, poor Kal-Hell, it's not your fault. It's Warners'. It was the studio that pulled the plug on Burton. It was the studio that wouldn't okay Ratner's choice to play you (then soap star Matthew Bomer). And it was the studio that insisted on shooting in Australia when McG wanted to shoot in New York.

Boo-hoo. Somebody get me a Kleenex.

But what I'll really be bawling about is how people fall for your woe-is-me, I'm-a-cursed-superhero act.

I don't care if BatBale gets more press. I don't care if Halle Berry's Catwoman getup gets more downloads. I don't care if you don't have a locked-in producer, a locked-in star or a locked-in screenplay. We should all be cursed with a $200 million budget and a road-tested comic-book director.

I hear Warners is still going to try to get your tired buns of steel off the ground for a shoot late this year. Might want to renew your Crunch membership, friend. By my tally, you haven't been out of the Barcalounger in 17 years.

Gee, I realize now this letter may be sounding a tad bitter. Forgive me. I was going for really, really bitter.

Give my regards to Bryan. If you ever actually meet him.

[Expletive deleted] you,

Wolverine

P.S.: Superman III sucked.

P.P.S.: Superman IV sucked worse.