The Awful Truth

What do Vanessa Hugdens' hottie buds have to report on the hotness herself, and Sarah Michelle Gellar sure thinks she's so on fire her merde doesn't smell. Plus, speakin' o' stinky sitches, let's roll out the toilet mouths, time for reader mail! Southland Tales, that gonzo apocalypse job we gabbed about last week, premiered Friday at the ArcLight. Sarah Michelle Gellar was dressed so the opposite of the potty-mouthed porn star she portrays, all demure in a neutral dress and long, conservative coat. Crap. At the Airborne-sponsored after-do, she hung in a VIP section with her old Buffy castmate Michelle Trachtenberg and new pro-mate Dwayne Johnson. But the former small-screen queen was suddenly press shy at said soiree, opting not to gab to any reporters milling round. Was she scared we were going to ask if refuses to do backdoor in real life, like her character in the movie, or somethin'? Always up for some randy convo was Bai Ling, who's in the world’s end flick. We asked Bai, clad in a one-shouldered zebra-print number, what she'd do if her life was ending, like, yesterday. "Make love," she answered, without a nanosec's hesitation. Although Bai's always down to talking about getting dirty down, she was coy when we asked who in particular she'd be knocking boots with. Angelina Jolie perhaps, whom she claimed she had "sexual energy" around on set recently? "With the one I love," she offered coyly. Bai also dished how she thinks the world will fizzle. "I think it just vanishes and we won't even know," she mused, "like a dream." Disappearing quickly for sure is Shia LaBeouf's squeaky-clean reputation. Remember how we told you he was acting superstrange and out of line at the T-Mobile bash a few weeks back? As you now know, Shi got himself busted at a Chicago Walgreen's for trespassing at 2:30 ayem. All this from the guy who said just a few months ago that his It boy status and prime projects "could all go away tomorrow if I'm at a club drinking like an asshole." What say you now, Shia? Stay tuned... Dear Ted:
If Christina Aguilera took off the five pounds of clown paint on her face, whom do you think she would look like? I’m kind of thinking that Home Alone kid...
  Margo
  El Paso, Texas Dear Mirror Has an Ugly Face:
Who died and made you Heidi Klum? Dear Ted:
Jamie-Lynn Sigler is wasting water. Pretty much every green site you read says you use much less water using the dishwasher than washing by hand. Not surprised to hear a celebrity getting it wrong about being green—green isn't a fad to be celebrated on the red carpet, it's a way of life.
  O.L. Dear Green-Eyed Mother:
Uh, could you at least give Jamie-Lynn credit for trying to do the right thing? Ease up you intolerant coppers, you’d think J.L. was out there clubbing baby seals along with Joel McHale, or something. Dear Ted:
Tell us what you think about Jessica and Owen. My guess is he's looking for some gossip  about himself other than his health, while she is looking for any gossip at all...
  Agusta Dear Hookup for Headlines:
Not a bad hunch, babe. Maybe they just like to get together and gab about goings-on back in Texas and compare coiffures? Dear Ted:
Please lay off the scatological Blind Vices! I read your column right around lunchtime!
  Regina
  Hoover, Alabama Dear Pass the Pepto:
We’ll try and keep the Blinds outta the bathroom territory for the next few weeks, 'kay? Dear Ted:
I love seeing Jake and Reese together. They look like the only normal people in Hollywood. Don’t you think they just waited for Reese's divorce to be finalized not to lose custody of her kids before being seen together?
  Elaine
  Montreal, Quebec Dear Demented:
Hold the iPhone...why would Reese lose custody of her kids if she were dating another dude before her divorce was finalized? If that was the rule, Brit woulda lost her tykes back during her Isaac Cohen days! Dear Ted:
I think Sha-Sha Shimmy from One Brown and Out in Beverly Hills Blind Vice is Kim Kardashian and Super-Dooper Cooper from One Even Stinkier Blind Vice is Tommy Lee. I'm feeling good about this one!
  Kamela
  Billings, Montana Dear Outta the Poop:
Wrong on both stinky-poo Blind babes, doll-cup, though fairly good guesses on both parts, we must say. Think more famous on the first, infinitely more talented on the second. Dear Ted:
What do you think about Donald Trump telling Larry King that Angelina Jolie is far from pretty?
  Jan
  Meredith, New Hampshire Dear Must Be Joking:
Oh, babe, that one’s so transparent: Rosie O’Donnell’s archrival’s just looking for his next feud partner, pay no mind. Dear Ted:
As far as how Hollywood should design a sobriety campaign, how 'bout a T-shirt line that reads: "Sober Is the New Black"?
  Kristen
  Nashville Dear Must Be a Paparazzi:
Brills! And the price for shots of Lindsay, or whomever, looking less than clear-eyed when photographed wearing one of these babies will sell for mucho oodles. Dear Ted:
Is Super-Dooper Cooper Matthew McConaughey? This is too gross, eww!
  Vien
  Tucson, Arizona Dear Toilet Zoomer:
No, darling, we said Super liked to shower his sex-play with bowel movements, not bongos. Wrong everything, too, including career. Dear Ted:
Your Blind Vices? I would love to be a fly on the wall when those bits of “news” hit your desk! Keep it up, Bud! My guess for the Even Stinkier one is Christian Bale. No reason—he just looks "seedy" to me.
  Joseph C.
  Cambridge, England Dear Misinfumed:
Why, because Bale doesn’t play the T-town game with such aplomb, unlike most of his colleagues? Trust, Chris-poo is far less gone to debauched seed than most of this town’s regulars, including Super, who’s more interested in being photographed with his next turd-date than he is fine-tuning his career. Dear Ted:
I immediately thought Sha-Sha Shimmy was Fergie. She's not a bad actress, from what I've seen, but it's not her forte. She likes to shimmy her butt all over the stage. She likes to eat. She's not hunted by the paps, comparatively. So, how far off am I?
  Allyson
  Philadelphia Dear Sisterly Love:
Not very, sugar-snoop! But think less successful, different main gig, too. Dear Ted:
Please tell me Super-Dooper Cooper isn't Derek Jeter. I guess your description could match many people, but it really seems to fit him.
  Miranda
  Oklahoma City Dear You’re Safe:
Derek’s got his kinks—trust—but I hear this ain’t one of 'em. Super’s far less superficially he-man. Dear Ted:
Apropos your EndBlab last week, I’m wondering what happened to your cats—famous from many columns? Do they cohabit with Margo?
  Barbara
  Berlin, Germany Dear Feline Curious:
Bossy Butch (left) and pissy Cleopatra (right) have reluctantly, and with a great many meows and puked dinners, welcomed Margo to our house. We would never have pulled an Ellen DeGeneres and considered getting rid of any of our critters—animals are far more adaptable, and resilient, than most of their persnickety owners. Dear Ted:
Loved the comments about Blythe Danner and Gwyneth Paltrow! I’m all for going green, but people get tired of being preached to by these hypocrites! Now, dammit, who’s Toothy Tile?
  Donna M.
  Marietta, Georgia Dear Nice Butt-Licking Try:
He’s never romantically recycled Gwyneth, I’ll say that much. Dear Ted:
Why all the cuss words? Bitch, effin', etc. detract from your writing and make it hard to enjoy your column. I'm not a prude, but wish you weren't riding that slippery slope to mediocrity that the networks are.
  Angie O.W.
  Huntsville, Alabama Dear *#@%:
Thanks, ma, but it’s a column about sex and lying and Hollywood, what the ef do you expect?