The Awful Truth

We offer supposedly innocent Lindsay Lohan our Sick-Sick Six excuses to help explain why she was found with cocaine. Plus, find out about Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell’s recent nuptials, as well as a special report on everybody’s fave Blind Vice candidate, the über-shy closeted movie star, Mr. Toothy Tile!

Oh, Lindsay Lohan. You never fail to shock us with your outrageous antics and subsequent denials. But even so, imagine how hard our jaws hit the friggin’ floor when we heard your statement via text message to Access Hollywood. Ya know, the one claiming your innocence and that the coke found in your jeans wasn’t yours. You don’t say! We got to wondering, just how exactly, then, did the white powdery substance get into your pocket in the first place? Below we offer our Sick-Sick Six reasons Linds had a baggie of blow on her. Oh, and feel totally free to try chirping one of these handy explanations in court, Linds. 6. You were hooking up with Pete Doherty that night. The notoriously nutty, drugged-out rocker isn’t with Kate Moss anymore, so he could be your alibi. Say that after your supposed sack session, you accidentally put on his jeans with the snowy stash in the pocket. Oops! 5. Martha Stewart gave it to you back when you were on her show this summer, and you thought it was flour. Brilliant! Supposedly, you were celebrating a friend’s birthday this fateful night, so it makes perfect sense that you’d need flour to bake a cake. Remember how Martha kept calling you a party girl when you were on her show? Maybe she’s the real party animal? 4. The blow was a birthday present for a friend! I mean, just because Linds is sober and not sniffing doesn’t mean she can’t give other peeps the disco dust, right? With all her money, an eight ball is the very least Linds can give a bud to celebrate properly. 3. Nancy Reagan stopped by to give you a just-say-no lecture, complete with an explanatory packet displaying what cocaine looks like, and she forgot to take back the show 'n' tell goodies when she left. You were on your way to Bel-Air (albeit in the wrong direction) to deliver them back to Nancy when you were apprehended. 2. Of course it wasn’t yours! It was actually onetime butt-buddy Britney’s. That might explain her recent OK! mag meltdownin’ ways. The girl sure as hell ain’t runnin’ on just sugar 'n' spice. Now that, I’d believe. 1. You asked your friends for some powder, as in the kind that goes in a Chanel compact and comes with a brush, so you wouldn’t look shiny in your paparazzi photos that night, and someone had the audacity to throw the other, illegal kind at you! Not wanting them to go down the same rehab road you did, you promptly pocketed it before they could Hoover it up their nostrils. Whaddya think, girl?
My hideously pissy editor, Steve Root, absolutely hates it when I reuse heads like the one above. But what Mr. Root, who lives in a totally white-picket fence enclave, doesn’t understand is that what follows is a veritable catty 'n' citified installment of bitchy happenings, one after the other, so let’s go, everybody! • Camp Cruise is slipping. Even though its midwestern hood ornament, Katie Holmes, is fabulously showing up Tommy C at functions such as Posh 'n' Becks’ hullo-to-Hell-Ay do (where K.C. wowed in crimson), elsewhere Ms. Cee is oddly wearing...raincoats, like she’s some kind of dirty young woman or somethin’, weird. “She always walks in wearing a Burberry trench, even though it’s 90 freakin' degrees out,” sniffs a regular Bev Hills type who often hangs at swank locales with the Toledo chicka. Also, my always reliable Desk Toledo just rang up saying she, too, is wondering/smelling the following:

Could the fact that K.C.’s wearing tons of weather wear out 'n' about mean...she’s hiding something? Like a little Suri sibling? Just asking.

• Camp Lohan, or at least certain members of this prestigious corral, insist to moi it’s not so new for our hard-drivin’, hard-livin’ hon to, uh, be making peeps uncomfortable, as it were. See, one (still current, believe it or not) amiga to L.L. insists to yours truly that at one moment in recent time, when Linds wasn’t exactly pleased with her behavior, “she --- me.” Think pain here, doll-muffs.
• Camp Internet tells us a certain medium-handsome dude with a hugely pleasing member, according to the many women he’s exposed it to via MySpace hookups, is cruisin’ fast for a bisexual bruisin’. See, one of the slutty e-ranger’s pals (like, uh, maybe a guy who hangs with a Roseanne ex, for ince?) is planning to trick his pal by arranging for a transvestite to seduce him. Just don’t hire John Travolta! Boyfriend does not look fetching in a frock. • Camp Chic, so glitterin' 'n' titterin' last week at the Designcare 2007 benefit, was regally repped by such stunners (I use the term quasi-loosely, sorta like Lindsay with her ankle bracelet) as Jim Carrey 'n' his Posh look-alike, Jenny McCarthy, Chris Tucker and Eddie Murphy. Also there was my fellow high school alum Angie Harmon and her man, Jason Sehorn. Oh! Oh! Oh! Should tell you, too, that Ms. H had some so-so interesting things to say about her BFF, Rebecca Romijn, and the gal’s loveline with Jerry O'Connell.

A-babe, glitzed out in a gold number, gabbed that “it’s definitely their sense of humor,” when I asked what the ef makes these two kinda quirky babes work together. “I mean, they completely complement each other,” A.H. went on (and on). “It’s just perfection.” 

Funny, Jerry told me the exact same thing himself. Oh, enjoy the hell outta Jerry’s rock-hard abs, R.R. Becks wishes he had a tummy like that.

Seth Rogen, getting eyeballed while gettin’ groceries. The Knocked Up breakout star was spotted at Whole Foods sporting a baby-blue tee and buying a few items. “Everyone was staring at him...you could tell he felt slightly uncomfortable,” said my Desk Reluctant Heartthrob. Guess people really liked that fertile flick, huh? Another off-kilter star at the same spot was... Kal Penn, waiting in the 12-items-or-less checkout line. Kinda funny that the Harold & Kumar dude eats healthy, organic stuff instead of White Castle? Kal was chatting up a hot-butt blondie babe while he waited to purchase his goods. Gorgeous, flaxen-haired femmes elsewhere include... Claire Danes, walking on Wooster Street in New Yawk City. Billy Crudup’s former babe was strolling with a male friend and lookin’ fierce in a yellow dress. Who’s the new guy, girlfriend? Hope he’s more true-blue than that last joker you hooked up with!