Tom Hanks and Cameron Diaz: Enough With the Crazy Stunts!

Dancing in front of a weather map? Drinking water out of a used sock? Whatever happened to the good old days of shameless movie promotion?

Dishing about "Man-Spanx?!" Dancing during the weather forecast?! Pulling out Jon Stewart's stitches?! Drinking water out of a British adventurer's dirty sock?!

Tom Hanks and Cameron Diaz, you should be ashamed.

You're both making spectacles of yourself!

Mr. Hanks, in your heart of hearts, do you think it's appropriate for a man of your age to be talking underwear on Access Hollywood? Do you think it's wise for a man of any age to be distracting Univision viewers from the day's high temperatures?

And, really, if you want two potentially huge groups of moviegoers—residents of India and readers of The Onion—to see Larry Crowne, do you have to pander?

As for you, Ms. Diaz, can you not appear on a talk show for, like, five minutes? Can you do that? Do you even have anything left after hopscotching from Letterman, to The Daily Show, to Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.

And about your behavior on those shows, including the BBC's Graham Norton, the scene of the sock incident: shameless.

Suffice it to say, stiches should be removed by medical professionals, icky water should be quaffed by airplane-crash survivors stranded in the Andes mountains—and stars of Bad Teacher shouldn't attempt either.

Oh, it could be argued that the both of you, Hanks and Diaz, are just doing your jobs—that as the ostensive CEOs of two films lacking in Happy Meal tie-ins, action-figure toys and Twilight stars, you're just trying to be heard above the din. You're just trying to not get steamrolled by Cars 2 and the new Transformers.

It could also be argued that what you're doing is working—that this very discussion is proof that weather dancing and sock drinking is what it takes in the 21st century to ensure the public knows Bad Teacher is opening at theaters everywhere Friday, and that Larry Crowne is doing the same a week after that.

Still, is it wrong to be wistful for the days when stars didn't have to shill so relentlessly, or so obviously? For the days when all they had to do was pretend to date somebody as famous or more famous than themselves for the weeks leading up to the red-carpet premiere?

You're working too hard, Hanks and Diaz. 

And you're just making everybody else look bad.