Morning Bitch-Back: Oh, No! Is Katie Holmes Just Another LeAnn Rimes?

Readers are alarmed about Katie's weight and are jumping to unfair conclusions

Dear Ted:
Isn't Katie Holmes giving off that coke-head-mom vibe? She's been looking underweight, and I'm not talking anorexic underweight.
—Moo

Dear Not Thinking Straight:
While we totally agree that Mrs. Cruise is looking a little too bony (à la Angelina Jolie), but, we really doubt it's ‘cause she's snorting coke while Suri's at school. Or even just not eating what she claims on Twitter she's eating, à la LeAnn Rimes. Those kinds of toxic scenes aren't exactly what Scientologist's go after while they're trying to be purified and all. Besides, this isn't the first time she's slimmed down too much. More likely it's that Katie's not treating herself right again: not eating enough, working too much, feeling way to much pressure trying to live up to being Missus C., that kind of thing.

Hey Ted:
Just wanted to say I love you! You are so funny. Thanks for making the days happy. Anyway, this whole Hugh Hefner marriage was a big PR set up, right? I mean, the whole thing played out like a soap opera. I don't believe it any of it, for one minute. Not even the supposed yecky engagement. Ew.
—Tree Schrew

Dear Fake Fiasco:
OK, this totally could be fake, but bear in mind that this is Hugh Hefner, after all. The twice-divorced father of four romps with ladies who could be his great-grandchildren, so yeah, we could see him marrying one. We can also see how Crystal could get the jitters about marrying the Playboy grand pooh-bah and decide to scat. Trust, weirder scenarios have happened in Hollywood. I genuinely think Hef was a little freaked. Love you, too, Tree!

Dear Ted:
Two questions on the Jolie-Pitts Has Angelina turned into Jennifer Garner's big evil sister and does Brad hope to appease his worse half by copycatting her hairdo?
—Sofia

 Dear Brangie Stylist:
Somebody ain't into Brangelina's latest looks! We kinda agree. They're both hotties and they are not working with what they got. Although we're not as passionate as you, honey.

Dear Ted:
I am so excited about the new season of True Blood coming soon, and I have been rewatching the previous seasons to get my fix. I know that Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer are married in real life and seem really in love, but is it all real or just for the cameras? Also, do they have any Vices? My two doggies, Bear and Tucker, want to know.
—Mallory

Dear Bear and Tucker:
Don't worry, doggies, the vampire and the fairy's human counterparts are really in love and totally all over each other. And yes, they've both got Vices, but they're fairly open about them with one another.

Dear Ted:
Wish you all the best with the not smoking. Today you said all Vicers start out small and then grow as their fame grows. Please tell me if you know how Jackie Bouffant started and what he is doing now! My stray rescue and I hear he is (a) filming a movie in the Midwest, (b) in a hospital in Arizona, (c) suffering from a broken heart. Please let us know. All our best.
—Blackie and Me

Dear Mutt Love:
I will say this: Jackie's the same way about his parts the way my Charlie is with a bone. Once he sets his mind on it, that's it (regardless of sex, food, water or any other doggie in the hood).