Source: Gyllenspoon Round 2 "Not Happening"

It's confirmed: Jake Gyllenhaal's getting his balls back and not re-hooking up with chilly Reese Witherspoon

As if there was any doubt.

Just thought we'd just make super-duper sure, ya know, just in case Jake Gyllenhaal changed his mind at the last minute before the press-crazy Prince of Persia premiere. Thinking, I dunno, maybe he'd want to take Oscar-winning ex Reese Witherspoon as his date. Instead of his sis, Maggie, the rents, BFF Austin Nichols, or even that that octopus from Sesame Street Jake bonded with recently.

"It's not happening," insisted a source close to Jake. "No way."

But you do know how pushy publicists can be in situations like this, don't you?

Just look at WWK's fab scoop on Supernatural star Jared Palecki's engagement to his costar Genevieve Cortese, if you don't believe me.

Now, let's see, it was only secs ago Jared was engaged to what's her face, right? Sandra McCoy? Lasted for about as long as this one will, probably, or about as long as Reese's rumored engagement to Jake did, for a better example. Point is: These stars have product to sell, and part of the selling is the personal.

To witness, who gave better bike-ride and mocha latte photo-op love than former Rendention stars, Jake and Reese?

Nobody! That's who.

Gyllenspoon was the utter epitome of syrupy, starry cutie-pie couple made in red-carpet heaven. Which is why, when multiple rumors circulated over the holidays that Jake was panting to get Reese back, we thought it best to check and make sure Jakey might not be getting splits-ville cold feet?

And trust us, our Jake source smacked down those rumors with sardonic chuckles.

Gosh, wonder if it's true Jake got tired of Reese's totally tight-ass ways?

My fave one about Reesey (and there are so many tales, really), is that she insists on buying two calendars for every year, should one get dirty and smudge-marked sometime around July. How Martha Stewart! How adorably vomit-inducing!

Our inside Gyllenhaal source would not comment, either way, regarding the source of the split—a disagreement over decaf or regular frappacuinos, maybe? They only assured us Jake ain't goin' back there. Ever.

Gotta say this is the best news I've heard about Jake, who I've always been fond of, since he put that miniskirt on for Prince of Persia. I mean, that move on top of being Reese's little bike-riding bitch, just made us true Jake jammers wince with embarrassment. The octopus may have been bad enough, but, being little Ms. Witherspoon's beck-and-call nanny and jogging mate was simply beyond the pale.

Welcome back to your manhood, Jake. We've missed you and we expect far more butch crap in the future, so, Starbucks is a no-go for at least six months, hear?