Week in Review: No Hoax, Charlie Sheen Makes Tiger Woods Look Like OK Husband

If it's between rampant infidelity and suspected assault, we'll take...nights home alone with Twilight?

Happy New Year!

Reminder, just in case you thought it was 1995 because the headlines are about Charlie Sheen's bad behavior, it's actually 2010.

In fact, our first Week in Review of this fresh new decade is full of menchildren (mendren?), their naughty ways and the women who tolerate them before they empty out their side of the bedroom and secure legal counsel.

So who caught Two and a Half Men in syndication the other night...?

1. Spotty Sheen: The Heidi Fleiss-era bad boy—more popular than ever now thanks to an overrated hit sitcom, Hollywood's short memory and his twin sons—did his image no favors by getting arrested in Aspen on Christmas for allegedly assaulting and threatening to kill his wife of nine months, Brooke Mueller, while wielding a knife. Both supposedly want out of their marriage—despite all the love 'n' stuff—for various reasons. Sheen is one of the highest-paid sitcom stars around. If you were in Mueller's shoes, would your prenup suffice? Then again, she doesn't exactly have a spotless record, either. Oh, if only walls, or Denise Richards, could talk...

2. The Odd Couple: Not one to slink down the totem pole of douches dudes behaving shadily, Jon Gosselin blamed Hailey Glassman for trashing his (or their?) NYC apartment. The apparently over-it 22-year-old says all she did was take the TV and a few other things that belonged to her on her way out and did not leave the place torn asunder. Even though Hailey claims Jon pushed her during a fight and Jon's attorney has threatened Hailey with jail, the mature, rational adults are currently trying to work out their differences.

3. Fallout Boy: Tiger Woods lost another multimillion-dollar sponsorship, his third since he crashed his clown car and 12 alleged girlfriends rolled out. But look on the bright side, Tiger: AT&T isn't the only carrier with good unlimited-texting plans. (And for the record: Unfortunately, it was indeed Tiger Woods in Florida that night. He wasn't in Arizona like that hoax email suggested.)

3. Schadenfreude: Rush Limbaugh was hospitalized after having chest pains while on vacation in Hawaii. Some of you actually rejoiced. Funny world we live in.

4. Bridge to Nowhere: The Palins and Johnstons are at it again. This time Bristol and Levi are battling over custody of their son, Tripp.

5. Winter TV Wonderland: Life will go on after the demise of The Tyra Show. Watch With Kristin is counting down the top 10 can't-miss season premieres coming your way in the new year. First, tell us what returning series you're most excited about—Lost, American Idol, Damages, Ice Road Truckers...Then vote for your fave fabulous female on the small screen. The competition is heating up, and only one woman will be on top when all is said and done.

6. Bada-$#&@!: Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi had a few choice words—none of them printable—for Domino's Pizza, which pulled its ads from MTV's Jersey Shore because of...well...the content of Jersey Shore.

7. Fairy-Tale Ending: Turns out Taylor Swift won't be riding off into the sunset on the back of Taylor Lautner's white horse. Jude Law and Sienna Miller, not to mention Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Refaeli, may still have a chance, though.

 8. Errata: New Moon was practically one big mistake. As was 17 Again, although you probably didn't have to tell Matthew Perry that.

 9. Malfeasance: The police chief involved in the break-in at SJP's surrogate's house got prison time...Mike Tyson was cleared in his November pap fracas...Roman Polanski is touched by all the support since his September arrest.

10. Odds 'n' Ends: Get to know Rosie O'Donnell's new ladyfriend...Check out Kourtney Kardashian's baby boy...Chris Robinson's populating his new nest...Hélio Castroneves welcomed a daughter...Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are having a girl...Van Morrison was hacked and therefore did not have a baby...Kudos to Ellen and Tim from PETA...Thriller was made even more historic...R.I.P., Jimmy Sullivan of Avenged Sevenfold...Brittany Murphy's death certificate was released.