The Michael Jackson FBI Files' Greatest Hits

We scanned all 333 pages so you can go straight to the one with the King of Pop's driver's license!

So, while the Federal Bureau of Investigation wasn't catching Osama Bin Laden, it was piling up the paperwork on Michael Jackson.

The FBI today released seven files it compiled on the late singer from 1992 to 2005—333 pages of evidence-gathering, rambling letters from a guy who thought he was John Gotti's son and really hard to read handwriting. Highlights include a heretofore undisclosed 1995 child-porn investigation, which went nowhere.

You can read all the files here yourself, or you can peruse the best lines, quotes and other stuff we found in 'em. Let's get started:

• "My interest is that half of Michael's estate is mines."—Faux Gotti Frank Paul Jones, who name-checked Jackson, President George W. Bush and, sure, why not, Earth Wind & Fire, among others, in a series of threatening letters from 1992.

• "I'll commit mass murder at a Michael Jackson concert if necessary, in an to murder Michael."—Same genius, upon becoming frustrated that his letters weren't having their intended effect: to get a meeting with Janet Jackson.

• "My Phone Sex With Star"—British tab article on pop star that FBI dutifully clipped out as part of its in-depth probe of unfounded 1993 Jackson child-molestation allegations.

• "Michael Jackson's Neverland Favorites An All Boy Anthology"—Label on a VHS tape "connected with Jackson," per the FBI's account. In 1995, the agency was called in by U.S. Customs to analyze the tape. Its findings: The tracking was, like, totally super-sucky. No charges were filed.

• "Nothing."—What the FBI found over and over again when it did a forensic search of Jackson's computers for the 2003-05 child-molestation case that resulted in Jackson's acquittal.

• Michael Jackson was a Mac! All the computers probed by the FBI were Apples.

• "A known New Black Panther Party member was observed to be present in the crowd during Jackson's first court appearance and was attired in black BDUs [Battle Dress Uniform]."—A 2004 "urgent" report on a request by local authorities for FBI assistance in policing the Michael Jackson trial, aka a "soft target for terrorism."

• The King of Pop had a driver's license?! Just like a regular, non-King of Pop person?! Yup. For a good time, go to page 8 of this file. The man even smiled for the DMV. (Not a bad picture at all.)

(Originally published Dec. 22, 2009, at 3:45 p.m. PT)