NBC Photo: Lisa Berg; John Parra/Getty Images; Scott Suchman/Getty Images; Amber Matsumoto/LA Dodgers; AP Photo/David Zalubowski

Who knew the story of the week would fly right over our heads? Pfft.

Obviously Balloon Boy (who ended up not being in a balloon) carried the news Thursday—24/7 entertainment-gossip network CNN, for one, was all over it!

But the news really slanted young overall—thanks both to actual children and the kind that are masquerading as grown-ups. (Yes, Jon Gosselin, we're referring specifically to you.)

Read all about it...

1. It's a bird, it's a plane...: James and the Giant Peach it wasn't. The country was captivated by what we were initially told was a runaway weather balloon with a 6-year-old boy trapped inside. Turns out that Falcon Heene, whose storm-chaser parents happened to be Wife Swap veterans, was hiding out in the attic of his home the whole time. But for a while there, anything was possible. The media didn't miss a beat, celebs tweeted their concern, the depths of the Heenes' personal lives were plumbed… Well, if it was all "for a show," it's not Falcon's fault. He didn't set up a Wolf Blitzer-conducted Larry King Live interview for that very night, nor is he probably very familiar with the word hoax. No wonder his tummy hurt!

2. Quit yer bitchin': With a judge's prodding, Jon Gosselin remembered that he did indeed make a hefty withdrawal from his and Kate's joint account, and he's been ordered to give it all back while the unhappy pair sort out their finances. Better start factoring in litigation fees—TLC finally gave up on niceties and sued Jon for being a production-interrupting, interview-giving, bad-mouthing nuisance. And if it turns out Jon really did hack into Kate's email 'n' stuff…watch out.

3. TMI department: The Anna Nicole Smith case turned stomachs all over again as witnesses started testifying about Smith's final days and the state of her body when she died. It's not as if we didn't know that she had been religiously popping pills, surrounding herself with an odd cast of characters and suffering severe depression following the death of her son. But the fact that we're hearing about it (plus new details about gluteal abscesses and feces) nearly three years after the fact to determine whether there's enough evidence to try Howard K. Stern and two doctors on charges of facilitating Smith's habit... It's all highly unsavory.

4. Nothing more to see here: Pamela Anderson wasn't in wicked stepmother mode. The busty babe kicked up some page views this week when a pic of her presenting at the Hollywood Style Awards while a little girl stood silently by, holding the train of her gown, turned Page Six-worthy. The mother of two sons ultimately revealed that the child was not, in fact, her slave, but rather a friend's daughter who wanted to come onstage.

AP Photo/Nick Ut

5. Gone courtin': A tardy Lindsay Lohan voluntarily accepted another year of probation to allow her more time to complete the alcohol-education program from her dual DUIs in 2007... Not exactly breaking the cycle, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles star Thomas Dekker was arrested on suspicion of DUI…Nic Cage is blaming his business manager's supposedly craptastic advice for his current financial trouble…The Letterman-extortion search warrant was unsealed for all the world to see…Oprah was sued for allegedly defaming a sexy stew...Richard Hatch is out of the clink (and, dare we say, out of our lives).

6. This isn't it: Michael Jackson's kids could still end up being reality-TV stars (i.e., celebrities for no good reason), but A&E says that as yet there are no plans to feature the two Prince Michaels and their sister, Paris, in their uncles' upcoming show...So You Think You Can Dance was denied, but Dancing With the Stars can do a Jackson tribute...Paul Anka cowrote the tune that ultimately became "This Is It" and he's going to get 50 percent of the single's profits for his efforts. (That deal was hammered out on Columbus Day—see how quickly things can be resolved when the courts are closed?)

ABC/CRAIG SJODIN

7. Bodies in motion: Anticipate the new year by looking at January's boobs!...And while you're at it, Meghan McCain's (wow, she looks like her mom)…Megan Fox is now an official underwear model…Brody Jenner says he's not vanilla, but Kristin Cavallari could be bitter...Melissa Rycroft is recovering from swine flu…Maksim Chmerkovskiy is stepping in to rehearse with Joanna Krupa while Derek Hough recovers from whatever virus—H1N1 or the like—gave him a 104-degree fever…Russell Crowe and Elizabeth Banks are fine after a car crash...So what if it hurt her? Leona Lewis got clocked in the head while signing copies of her autobiography at a London bookshop. An alleged nutter was arrested and placed in a psychiatric facility pending a hearing...Look at Tom Hanks go!

(7a. Bodies at rest: RIP, Boyzone's Stephen Gately, Capt. Lou Albano and Al Martino.)

8. Baby talk: A girl for Heidi and Seal…The bachelorific Lil Wayne's gonna be a dad, again…Keanu Reeves is not a dad, as far as he knows…Jude Law is, but he figured as much…Jeffrey Tambor's wife had twins...The newly svelte Khloé Kardashian wants to be knocked up Kourtney-style...Kim just wants kids "one day."

9. Exit strategy: Mia Michaels is leaving SYTYCD. We presume she'll take her leave with grace and precision, but really, what pastures could be greener than those?! Perhaps those where Adam Shankman wasn't picked as the third permanent judge...?

10. Mishmash: Christina Hendricks tied the knot…Avril Lavigne filed for divorce…Rush Limbaugh is out of the pro football business…Jimmy Kimmel is in the staffer-dating business…Kendra's house-hunting in SoCal...Selena Gomez is starting a clothing line as Kanye West is losing one…Rihanna and Twilight joined Twitter, while Courtney Love mercifully jumped ship…Orlando Bloom is stumping for UNICEF...Taylor Swift is riding high heading into the American Music Awards and will host SNL…Imprisoned T.I. won BET Hip-Hop Awards in absentia, Kanye West was just absentia…Garth Brooks is headed to Vegas...That's Britney on top, bitch…Just like "Balloon Boy," Jen vs. Angie never really happened…Edward vs. Jacob, however, is a reality.

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