Tonight on Dancing With the Stars it was the ladies' chance to show the world what they've got—as far as waltzes and salsas go.
As with the gentlemen, we spotted varying levels of natural ability, and there were a few immediate standouts—including a certain former loudmouth rocker kid and a cover girl who defied expectations.
The eight female contestants each performed a full number and part of either a fox-trot or cha-cha relay, and here's how they did...
Debi Mazar & Maksim Chermkovskiy: Her partner may be known for his tough love, but the veteran character actress doesn't have to be hard as nails all the time. Debi definitely has the body to make a routine look good before it starts, but she was a little too cool and in control for the spicy, abandon-all-inhibitions salsa. Maks may have brought out the heavy-duty choreography a little too early, rather than give her enough time to master the principles of rhythm, timing and relaxation.
Score: 16. "You have a lot of guts, but you lack a connection from your character to the moves," noted Carrie Ann Inaba. "You can work those bazooms like nobody else...but your timing was all over the place," Bruno Tonioi added.
Melissa Joan Hart & Mark Ballas: Miss Teenage Witch worked a little magic out on that dance floor, yes she did. Having wanted to be on DWTS for ages, the actress finally got her wish and came out for her first Viennese waltz looking like Cinderella finally getting a shot at the ball. So maybe it was the glass slippers that made her a little heavier on her feet than she should be. It should be interesting to watch her out there in a short, sparkly 'n' strappy little outfit, swinging her hips.
Score: 18. "Are you a little nervous?" Bruno asked, a question he followed with a rather maniacal "hahahahaha" when she said yes. "Prim, proper, adequate, but it failed to ignite," the heat-seeking Italian missile said. Carrie Ann thought Melissa had a "definite elegance" out there, but Len Goodman couldn't stand the beginning of the routine, "all sweet and sickly."
Mya & Dmitry Chaplin: She's gone from Chicago's "Cellblock Tango" to a Viennese waltz on TV, and Mya is none the worse for wear. The R&B chanteuse looked beautiful, moved confidently and seemed to—as is so important to Carrie Ann—really connect with the music. And it doesn't hurt that she and Dmitry make a stunning pair.
Score: 21. Carrie Ann found it gorgeous across the board and Bruno could barely contain himself when Len, who was the 5 among two 8s, objected to the lack of traditional choreography. "That was artistry and emotion!" he protested, loudly. But Len wouldn't be shushed. Pointing to Mya, he said, "You are a fantastic dancer." Pointing to Dmitry, "You have let her down by not doing a Viennese waltz."
Kathy Ireland & Tony Dovolani: The former Sports Illustrated swimsuit-issue muse looked to be having more fun than the former models who graced this show combined (i.e., no stick up her well worked-out bum), but she's going to have to get down…and not only because she towers over Tony otherwise.
Score: 16. "I think you've got the potential to do better," Len said, but Bruno insisted that, "with no sex, [the salsa] doesn't work."
Natalie Coughlin & Alec Mazo: The Olympic gold medalist has loads of natural ability—and a kickass swimmer's body—but she, like the other salsa dancers tonight before her, needs to loosen up. Her hips actually move, at least, so if she can give herself over to the rhythm of the music the way she finds her flow when she's in the pool, she should be in good shape.
Score: 19. Carrie Ann loved it and Bruno called her the "million-dollar mermaid," but he noted she sometimes would "freeze midperformance." Meanwhile, Len's socks are still hiked all the way up. "The salsa is sexy and steamy, and I can't understand—we've got these gorgeous girls coming out here," he complained. "If they can't knock my socks off with this dance..." "You're getting old," Carrie Ann suggested.
Macy Gray & Jonathan Roberts: Is it too mean to say Macy resembled a bobblehead doll tonight? We can't help it—her head was rolling all over the place during her Viennese waltz! The "I Try" singer looked as if she had reconciled herself to the idea of having a good time, but who was leading whom out there?
Score: 15. Carrie Ann called her awkwardness a "natural genuineness," while Bruno compared her performance to "a child taking her first steps into a scary new world." So the overall verdict was charming but ragged around all the edges.
Joanna Krupa & Derek Hough: What?! A fashion model who can dance?! The Polish-born poser did her profession proud tonight, not only turning in the most believable salsa but also handling the consistently challenging Hough stuff with ease and grace.
Score: 24. "At last we've seen a hot, smoking salsa," Len said, sounding relieved. "What a specimen!" marveled Bruno, while Carrie Ann thinks Joanna's confidence is going to take her "all the way!"
Kelly Osbourne & Louis van Amstel: The Prince of Darkness' little girl is all growed up! Kelly was kinda enchanting out there, looking long, lean and graceful as the reliably excellent LVA Viennese-waltzed her around the floor. Not only did Kelly choke up backstage, she left Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne weeping with delight in the audience.
Score: 23. "Oh, mom and dad are going to be very proud," said an admiring Carrie Ann, while Bruno couldn't believe his eyes. "The wild-child rock princess transformed into a vision of grace!" he exclaimed. "It was the best Viennese waltz of the night," Len said simply.
FOX-TROT RELAY:
Natalie's fox-trot was a little less posey than before, as she was forced into more fluid movements by the music's slow tempo. Kathy was still on the stiff side. Joanna didn't lose an ounce of salsa heat, and Debi also looked a little more in tune with what she was doing.
Scores: Joanna, 10; Natalie, 8; Debi, 6; Kathy, 4
CHA-CHA RELAY:
Macy looked as if she had worn herself out dancing at a bunch of other clubs before arriving at this one. Melissa's hips don't swivel, as yet, but still was infectiously enthusiastic at having woken up in her childhood dream. Mya was fantastic, and Kelly was just the cutest thing, ever (despite a little flub right at the end)!
Scores: Mya, 10; Kelly, 8; Melissa, 6; Macy, 4
Let's just say, we were rather impressed—not to mention pleasantly surprised and/or flabbergasted—by a few ladies tonight. After the first couple of eliminations, this season's going to get downright heartbreaking.
And on Wednesday, two contestants will in fact go home. But not before a couple of musical guests have graced the stage and the in-house pros have performed a tribute to Patrick Swayze.
Here's tonight's leaderboard:
• Joanna & Derek: 34
• Kelly & Louie: 31
• Mya & Dmitry: 31
• Natalie & Alec: 27
• Melissa & Mark: 24
• Debi & Maks: 22
• Kathy & Tony: 20
• Macy & Jonathan: 19