We come here today not to bury the daytime soap. We come here today to pause, to reflect—and to think about how one day we may be burying the daytime soap.
Yes, the impending demise of Guiding Light has us in a mood.
"It really feels like the death of a treasured family friend—someone who's been there for so many years you've come to take his presence in your life for granted," Lynn Leahey, editorial director of Soap Opera Digest, said in an email.
So as to not take the daytime soap, as a whole, for granted, we've written down a list of all the things the genre has taught us. And that can be repeated in mixed company.
1. Gay weddings are not the end of the world. Unlike, you know, straight weddings.
2. Human cloning is morally and ethically wrong. 'Cause clones'll do nasty stuff like brush their clone hair with your hairbrush.
3. If you ever meet a presumed dead person—and, in all honesty, expect to if you're ever on The Bold and the Beautiful—put her hand on your beating chest so as to make sure she's really, truly alive. (No, this doesn't make sense, but it's OK, you'll be flustered.)
4. You can, too, rip off The Exorcist.
5. O.J. Simpson really is a killer. Ratingswise, the daytime soap never recovered from Simpson's 1995 time-slot-hogging murder trial. As a General Hospital writer put it to the Los Angeles Times in 2007: "We lost 8 million viewers…who never came back."
6. Babies are just too much trouble. Especially when you keep losing them. And stealing them. And losing them.
7. If you're a man, and you've got a nice chest, you should not wear a shirt. Ever. Ever.
8. If you're a man, and you don't want people to think you're wearing a thong, then you shouldn't tuck in your T-shirt in a way that'll make people think you're wearing a thong. (And remember, if you remain shirtless, this won't be an issue.)
9. Future Oscar nominees gotta start somewhere.
10. It's not over till it's over. Even if iconic stars like Susan Lucci are taking paycuts to keep their shows on the air. Even if iconic stars like Deidre Hall are being let go to keep their shows on the air. Even if, after all the budget slicing, a 72-year-old serial is being pink-slipped anyway. "You should never give up on love," Leahey reminded as the ultimate daytime soap lesson. "Love can overcome anything: illness, blindness, amnesia, addiction, multiple personalities, evil twins…"
Oh, evil twins. Almost forgot about them. Almost as bad as clones.