She's here to help

Is there a deviated-septum epidemic?

Thu., Dec. 20, 2007 11:58 AM PST by Leslie Gornstein

What is with so many celebrities being afflicted with the deadly "deviated septum" lately? Can't stars just say they want to get a nose job? Do they think "deviated septum" sounds better or that the general public is too stupid to realize they got plastic surgery?
—Wendy, Colorado Springs, Colorado

The B!tch Replies: You're referring to Ashley Tisdale. Just say it: Ashley Tisdale. The sooner we all admit that our thought processes are being dictated by an endless parade of hyperpackaged Disney musicals and their focus-group-driven casts, the sooner we can seek help.

We have no reason to doubt that Ashley is telling the truth, but celebrities do routinely lie about why they get their noses reshaped. In fact, it seems they lie about as often as they tell the truth.

"If you pinned me down," Dr. Brent R.W. Moelleken tells me, "I would say [the ratio is about] 50-50…The deviated septum has been blamed for many celebrities' nasal surgery."

To be fair, a deviated septum is a very real condition affecting 60 to 80 percent of the population. Means your nose is wonky in the center. Makes you snore or talk funny or get colds more often.

"It may cause breathing reduction or obstruction in many of those patients," Moelleken says. "When the crooked portion of the septum is removed, it is the best 'building block' for cosmetic enhancement of the nose, so that is the time to do the cosmetic portion as well."

But that's as far as I can go. Of those who have cited deviated septa, I can't tell you who is lying and who isn't.

Isn't worth my time anyway, not when I can spend those precious minutes doing more important work, like mulling why celebrities always seem to pick the same British-debutante shape for their noses, with that little ball peen on the end. Doesn't anyone ever go for a Streisand? Why not? That lady is really rich and famous.

And now I am off to blow kisses at myself in the mirror. I love my septum just the way it is. Yes, I really do.