Ask the Answer B!tch

Which do you think is hotter, the cast of Lost or the cast of Heroes? I'm dying to know what you think, because your opinion is the only one that really matters.
—Jeremy, Oregon

The B!tch Replies:  Geeks of the world, gird yourselves within your unwashed black T-shirts. My many minutes of research have revealed news that's even hotter than Seven of Nine. Both of these casts, according to my own statistical analysis, rate nearly identical in hotness: roughly 8.4 out of 10.

I will reveal my methodology presently. But first, being a professional journalist, I must disclose that not everyone agrees with what I am about to share with you.

"Definitely Heroes, no contest," asserts Angela Schuch, founder of Scifichick.com. "Even the bad guys are hot on Heroes. Have you seen Sylar? This season, he's even hotter."

Absolutely. So hot he makes me want to hack open my own head and offer him whatever talents might hide within.

I must also tell you that my methods have not yet been submitted for peer review. That will have to wait until next year's Comic-Con. Nonetheless, what I am about to reveal is absolutely correct and the only answer that should be acceptable to you and your friends.

Here's the thinking: It's all a matter of averages. First, I listed current castmembers of both shows. Dead people, occasionally recurring characters, missing characters and minors don't count. I'm sure the kid who talks to machines is plenty hot to the Miley Cyrus crowd, but I really don't want to know any more than that.

So, anyway, the list...

Heroes

• Hayden Panettiere (Claire): 8
• James Kyson Lee (Ando): 7
• Masi Oka (Hiro): 4—unless he promises to stop shrieking like a ferret, then 5
• Jack Coleman (Noah Bennett): A stealth contender without the horn-rimmed glasses, 7
• Sendhil Ramamurthy (Mohinder): 10
• Adrian Pasdar (Nathan): The teeth disturb me, so 9
• Milo Ventimiglia (Peter): Let's give him a 9, just to rattle him
• Greg Grunberg (Matt Parkman): Being in a rock band in real life fails to dazzle me, 5.5
• Ali Larter (Niki): 10
• Noah Gray-Cabey (Micah): Disqualified, he's a kid
• Zachary Quinto (Sylar): 10
• Jimmy Jean-Louis (the Haitian): 10
• Team Lágrimas de la Muerte, or whatever that smokin'-hot Latin brother-sister duo wants to be called: 20
• Tawny Cypress (Simone): Her character is dead, but man, was she hot

Average Heroes Hotness: 8.42

Lost

• Naveen Andrews (Sayid): Nice eyes, unfortunate nose, 8.5
• Emilie de Ravin (Claire): 10
• Matthew Fox (Jack): 10
• Jorge Garcia (Hurley): Trouble, 2
• Josh Holloway (Sawyer): 10
• Daniel Dae Kim (Jin): 10
• Yunjin Kim (Sun): 10
• Evangeline Lilly (Kate): 10
• Dominic Monaghan (Charlie): Sorry, his character is dead
• Terry O'Quinn (John Locke): Stealth hotness, if you look closely, and I suggest you do, 8.5.
• Michael Emerson (Ben): No saving that one, 4
• Henry Ian Cusick (Desmond): The accent gets me swoony, but the "brother" thing irks, 9
• Elizabeth Mitchell (Juliet): Something disturbing about her lips, 8.5
• Rodrigo Santoro (Paulo): He's been buried alive, he cannot help you
• If we include the Rousseau women, the hotness goes up, but then again, we would probably, in fairness, also need to throw in the dude who plays Tom Friendly, so that would have evened things out

Average Lost Hotness: 8.38

See? A virtual tie, with Heroes slightly ahead. There's no arguing with math...or me.

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