Ask the Answer B!tch

By: Hanna, Manchester, England

A.B. Replies: They could crash the party, sure, but they wouldn't get very far.

The ol' Paris Hilton trick of showing up and showing up and showing up until the bouncers think you're famous--that just doesn't work in the old-school quarters of Hollywood. One must secure a real invitation, nomination or ticket to win entr?e into a tony event like the Oscars or the Golden Globes.

"It's a fierce struggle," Globes spokesman Michael Russell tells this B!tch, "as celebrities employ agents, publicists and power brokers to represent them in their quest for the golden tickets.

"Every year, hundreds of celebrities don't make it onto the list. Remember there are only approximately 1,200 seats in the International Ballroom."

(Speaking of Globes, movie fans, why not chomp and choke on my predictions for this year's winners! Totally better than, like, Party Girl's sorry picks.)

In fact, even if celebrities think they're invited to a top awards show, this B!tch recommends that they call their publicists back and make super deadly sure.

In 2002, the three cutest members of the Fellowship of the Ring were flown to Los Angeles for Oscar night: Dominic Monaghan, Orlando Bloom and the inexplicably sexy Billy Boyd. Thing is, they hadn't really been invited, and they were told as much when they disembarked from their giant eagles.

The threesome was put on standby, just in case three confirmed guests were to contract Ringwraith-wasting sickness at the last minute. But the actors blew off the whole dog and pony show instead.

"I'm going to go out to get drunk anyway," Bloom told the Sun.

The three actors got luckier in 2004, but not a whole lot luckier. This time they got into the Kodak Theatre, but then Boyd had to get up and go to the bathroom, and it was Helms Deep all over again.

Per the London Mirror, a couple of "burly minders" kept him from returning to his seat until the next commercial break. This just happened to be during the stretch when The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King won another four Oscars, the last of its 11. "Billy said: 'The Oscars is over five hours long, so at one point I had to pop out and do a pee. I was left outside while we won another four Oscars.' "

Even lesser awards shows have their deadly gauntlets. Take the Screen Actors Guild thing. Union members must download a form seeking an invitation to pay $600 for a ticket. You read that correctly. And get this: SAG members willing to grovel for that ticket must pay before they even know if they've got a seat.

"Due to the limited seating in our venue, we will place all returned RSVPs into a drawing that will be held in January," the SAG Website intones. "Members drawn will be notified. Members not drawn will receive a refund."

Really. Honestly. We're not worthy.