The Awful Truth

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"He was way prettier back then."

—So says one lucky dude who went out on a date with a pre-Idol Adam Lambert (well before his current beau Drake LaBry came into the picture)

Where was this guy when everyone was wondering so tirelessly about A.L.'s sexual persuasion? 'Member when that was still a mystery? Seems totally pointless now, no?

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Michael Rozman/Warner Bros

"To those who are complaining that Ellen isn't right for Idol, I say she is. Because she has heart. And that's what that show's about."

—Emmys winner and standout musical artist herself (not to mention upcoming American Idol contributor) Kristin Chenoweth, when we asked about the shocking choice of DeGeneres as a replacement judge for Paula Abdul

True enough, I suppose, but we're still gonna miss Abdul's green eye shadow, not to mention kooky comebacks—and Ellen can certainly take care of the latter, just not the former.

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For more ladies of the night, check out our Emmy Winners gallery!

Ellen Degeneres Show

"There have definitely been some mixed feelings among fans and the media so far," an American Idol insider tells us about yesterday's jaw-dropping Ellen DeGeneres announcement.

At least Fox is totally aware that replacing the former '90s pop starlet (and current tweet crybaby) Paula Abdul with a nonsinging, sometimes dancing comedian was a bold—and possibly lethal—move for the hit show.

So why did they approach Ellen, of all people, to permanently join the judge's table? Isn't that a li'l like Quentin Tarantino's bizarre stints as guest judge? And what do the people behind the curtain at Idol think about this strange switcheroo?

Some Fox folks are not as on board as others...

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Michael Becker / FOX

What's the word for someone who's totally effing with the public's adoring minds—and the rest of H'wood's—on what they're gonna do next?

Like Paula Abdul's iffy actions regarding the whole will-she-or-won't-she-return sitch. Paula wouldn't give a definitive answer on if she was coming back to American Idol—except for posting vague threats on Twitter. And when we finally found out she had been ousted from the judges table, she was still semi-silent about her next move. Why, so she can finagle her way back onto the show? You'd better believe it!

Fox is playing the same damn game, only booking temporary guest judges and just shrugging its shoulders when anyone asks about a more-permanent fourth judge. Infuriating, ain't it?

Other examples might be Christopher Nolan being wishy-washy about when or if he's directing the next Batman flick. Or Chris Brown taking his sweetass time before he makes a move after beating the hell out of Rihanna—choosing to go waterskiing at Diddy's instead of apologizing.

We think the perf word is publicitease.

Can ya beat that?

Could newly unemployed Paula Abdul be the fifth femme to join the ladies of The View? Why not! "We love Paula," The View's rep exclusively tells us. "She was always welcome on the program in the past and always will be in the future."

Some say Abdul should join Dancing With the Stars or host her own dancing-type show, but we totally disagree. Ab-doll's at her best (and most amusing) when she's yammering away about nothing, and what better place to do that on a national platform than The View?

Here's why it makes sense:

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Krista Kennell/Zumapress.com, Paul Fenton/ZumaPress.com

With all the drama surrounding Paula Abdul's possible exit from season nine of American Idol (her reps all but confirmed it this weekend), you have to think about what the hell is going to happen to the most popular show in America right now.

Sure, Paula is one troubled little crumbled cookie (and her often disastrous tabloid headlines aren't really lending a hand to the big comeback that she's been talking about for years). But isn't the reason Idol went from OK talent competition to colossal, megaphenom juggernaut partly owed to Paula's oft-zany antics? She was always the unintentional and often parodied comic relief, and that's kept viewers tuning in for almost a decade.

Nobody watched the show for Paula, but she definitely didn't hurt things, either.

Then there's that freshly axed hausfrau in hot pants over on Wisteria Lane. Jeez, what's with all these programs kicking their best bitches to the curb?

When Desperate Housewives canned Nicollette Sheridan last season, the mourning wasn't that overwhelming, but looking ahead to next season, can't you just tell how boring it will be without the snarling Edie Britt to liven things up on the sometimes blah, Waspy show? Where's a lunatic in inappropriate everything when you need her?

Both shows, I say, benefit from the tension that comes with employing a bothered chick whose extracurricular tabloid troubles equal massive viewership. If Kate Gosselin has taught us anything, it's that being cursed in the headlines means being blessed in the ratings. Listen up, execs.

Frank Micelotta/FOX

Dear Ted:
Bonjour! I'm not American so I didn't watch American Idol, but we've got the same show in France, and my question is, don't you think the fact that Adam Lambert lost is in fact a very good thing for him? I mean, he had the exposure of the show, and people obviously love him, so I'm sure majors will follow. And not being under contract with the "American Idol team," he'll probably be able to do exactly what he wants with his next album and not a product of the TV. And for the "he didn't win because he's gay" issue—maybe it has more to do with the fact that teenagers are generally massively voting for this kind of contest, and a glam-rock star isn't exactly what little girls with Zac Efron and Twilight posters on their wall dream of.
—Audrey

Dear Nothing Lost in Translation:
Yes and no. Winning obviously hasn't hurt megastars like Carrie Underwood, but she had a pretty clear niche. I def don't think you need to be No. 1 to be a huge success—even though Mr. Lambert lost, he's already getting more publicity than Kris. He's the new Miss Cali!

Dear Ted:
If someone's not sure that Prop 8 in California is discriminatory—substitute "African-American" for "same-sex" and then read it again. Bet they'd change their minds. Plus, doesn't it amaze you when people who have been discriminated against are so willing to discriminate against others?
—Strayerch

Dear Shock Value:
George Clooney concurs. Nothing amazes me about how hurtful people in this country can be. No worries, though, our time will come. Soon.

Dear Ted:
There's no better way to start my day than with a steaming hot cup of Truth of the most Awful kind. Please tell me, has Jamie Foxx been the subject of a Blind Vice?
—Another Robsten fan

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Michael Becker/ FOX

If you had the chance to chat with Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, what would you ask? You'd think that maybe, just maybe, the big homo elephant in the room would be a topic worth bringing up with American Idol runner-up Adam. Perez already confirmed it to us; now we're just waiting for Mr. Lambert to do the same.

But no, we hear that during a conference call with the two A.I. boys, reporters completely danced around the gay subject and went for much harder-hitting questions instead.

Check it out:

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Jeff Vespa/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
So I see Brangelina at Cannes, and they're lovey-dovey, playing it up for the cameras. Did you see that "secret" make-out session where Brad was keeping one eye open to make sure the paps in hiding were taking their pic? Ugh. They truly make me ill. I don't buy any of it. What is your take on all of this?
—Mel

Dear Kiss-Kiss Bang-Brangie:
We're just sorry they don't make it steamier since they know we're all watching! Can't they for once pull a Paris and Doug? We're all imagining it anyway!

Dear Ted:
I was reading your comments about the intolerance Adam Lambert may have to face from the public/media if he outs himself, which is fair. But I hope you're not implying that those who voted for Kris Allen are somehow intolerant. I for one think Adam seems like a class act and is very talented, but, personally, his singing makes me want to stab my ears with a compass. I think most people either feel like they just like one contestant more than the other, and it's not likely (especially with a paid call-in system) an "I hate the gay so I'm going to vote for the other one" situation.
—spookysgrl

Dear Allen Fan:
Some people truly do hate gay people that much, they would vote for Kris just to make sure Adam didn't win. Not everyone, of course, but don't think they don't exist.

Dear Ted:
What do you think about Michael Vick being uncaged? Do you think he'll play again in the NFL? If yes, do you think it's a shame that we can't contribute to a bounty fund to reward the opposing player who inflicts a Barbaro-type injury on Vick?
—Margery W.

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The top 13 American Idol contestants are still owned by Fox, practically, but at least now that the show's over, the baker's dozen can relax and let their guard down, even if just a li'l bit. And it totally showed at last night's postfinale party at the Mondrian Hotel!

Check out the best action of the night in the video, babes, for your last few Idol drops until next January. Our fave moments?

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So now that American Idol star Adam Lambert's officially not Fox's golden champ, is he finally gonna start freely talking about his mysterious sexuality out in the open? Turns out, he already has say some:

Most Awful Celeb contestant Perez Hilton (who's holding pretty steady, mind you—look out, Octomom!) dished to us last night, postfinale at nightclub H.Wood, that the seemingly silent Ad's already out 'n' proud: "He's not in the closet. I went to a party he had last week, and he was openly gay with me there. If he was really concerned, he wouldn't have done that."

Perez states he also met "his boyfriend. Very cute. I think he works in fashion or design."

P.H.'s nemesis, Carrie Prejean, musta thrown her often shirtless back out jumping for joy during last night's finale—now gays in California can't marry or win American Idol. So how did Ad lose?

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OK, maybe I take one back: Cher. Yesterday, I noted that Cher was sniffing around Christina Aguilera's debut film, Burlesque, in which C.A. will play a novice singer at a nightclub, one possibly to be run by the Oscar-winning Cher). I immediately went to town on Cher's hotness factor, saying, well, that maybe professional bitch-eater Cathy Zeta-Jones would be better suited for the diva role.

In that same morning, I had earlier twittered that Adam Lambert's Count Dracula thing on Idol the previous night was a bit much for my taste—and that I thought Kris Allen killed it, opening-number wise, by being so humpy and accessible and real.

Fast-forward to flurries of complaints—the most heated being about gay icon Cher: "Ted, how dare you?" screamed Mikey. "You need to turn in your homo card to the front office right now! Cher could act rings around that little girl! Cher's name on top of the billboard will guarantee the box office, not Christina's. Shame on you! Apostate! Heretic! You need to go to Fire Island and reflect on your sins."

The Adam protectors were somewhat less at gale-force, but not by much: "Gasp!" twittered @damarselias right back at my ass. "Adam should win! Man. Adam rocked! Kris was OK, though. But Adam should still win!"

OK, I get it. Both Cher and Adam (already, stunningly) have sizeable loads of die-hard fans. I don't doubt either figure's art—not in the least. And I'll go even further on the Cher factor: I, in a way, was buying into the misogynistic notion that an older gal can't be a vital part of a happening pic starring a younger talent, and well, that's just crap.

Streep completely stole it from Hathaway in Devil Wears Prada, remember? Cher could kill this movie, too, should she decide to. So do it, babe!

(But I ain't budgin' one bit on that damn vampire coat Lambert was wearing. That's R. Pattz's department, Adam, not yours.)