With millions of people watching at home, and a room full of celebrities, the first thing anyone hosting the Oscars wants to do is break out their hardest and fastest puns. And Neil Patrick Harris did just that, dazzling the crowd by going straight to intros loaded with double-entendre.
For example, when introducing John Hutcherson, who played the character Peeta in The Hunger Games, he cracked up the crowd with this gem: "Here's a Peta who won't throw paint on you." See what he did there?? And when introducing Reese Witherspoon, he used, "This next presenter is so lovely you could eat her up with her spoon."
It was between that and a joke about Reese's Pieces.
Unfortunately, since most of Neil's wordplay died faster on the tongue than Mint Freshstrips (there's no pun there—it's more just about the imagery), we've decided to share the puns that, much to our disappointment, went unused.
"If you go South on this Dakota you won't find a Johnson. Please welcome Dakota Johnson!"
"Don't mistake this next presenter for the first half of a title of a famous book written in by Nathaniel Hawthorne and published in 1850. Please welcome Scarlett Johansson!
"Anyone Jonesing for even more "happiness," which is listed on Thesaurus.com as one of the synonyms for the word "felicity"? If so, put your hands together for Felicity Jones!"
"Is anyone hungry for onion pretzels? Well that kinda sounds like…Idina Menzel!!"
"Watts up, Los Angeles? How many Birdman actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? All we know is that takes..."Elementary, my dear Watt-son." On that note, here's Naomi Watts!"
"Does everyone remember those candy dispensers where you'd lift the Donald Duck head and candy would come out? Remember when you were LOW on candy--or rather LO on PEZ?? Ladies and Gentlemen, Jennifer Lopez!"
"I love the crisp smell of winter. Especially crisp pines (wink). This next guy is the crispest pine around. Also he's not needling! Also, I've been pining over him for years! Also, someone give him the microCONE! Also, I'm allergic to PINE-apple! Also, if you added a "t" to his name he'd be Christ! Please welcome...Chris Pine!"
"And finally, if you think there's going to be another PETA joke, you're wrong'o. Please welcome Lupita Nyong'o!"