Close
BRAND NEW
WEDNESDAYS 10|9C
BRAND NEW ON E!
  • News/ 

    The New McDonald’s: Through My Eyes

    fiona

    I was overcome with almost unmanageable excitement when I first heard that McDonald's had asked celebrity chefs to experiment with their standard ingredients. As someone who has experimented with them several times, I watched this unfold with almost as much arousal as when I google images of Elephantiasis. In fact, I felt so inspired by the news that I immediately wrote McDonald's to tell them about the fascinating things that always happen to me when I eat a McRib while taking a dump.

    I was particularly blown away, to say the least, by a celebrity chef who transformed McDonald's classic French Fries into a steaming hot batch of gnocci. The chef then took the idea one step farther, but  then topping it an ingenious fruit sauce made from their smoothie mix. It really reminded me of when I put a french fry under my boob just to see how long it would stay there. Then topped my French fry boob experiment by announcing to friends and family that I hadn't washed my feet in three years.

    And please, don't even get me started on the sweet and sour-doused Chicken McNuggets with the parsley garnish. Once you bring sweet and sour sauce into the game, anything is possible. Did you know it can also be used as a substitute for deodorant? I would have never made that discovery if I didn't love it so much when my cat licked me there. Hi, Sphincter.

    By the time I heard about what the chefs did with McDonald's signature pumpkin spice, my salivary glands were activated almost to the same level as when I first heard about how banana slugs have sex. I mean, their penises are five times the size of their bodies. In other words, their penises are larger than a roll of quarters, which is just a dollar more than the cost of a Big Mac. O, Big Macs. I like to buy them them stick my hands between the layers and then press down...hard. Sometimes I do this while squishing my feet as deeply as I can between my couch cushions. It feels like I'm swaddled inside of a giant...I don't know, layered crevace.

    As you can imagine, I can barely contain myself when I think about how one of the chefs took the McDonald's Pumpkin Latte Syrup and drizzled it over a biscuit donut hybrid, now called a "biznut." I'm mesmerized by the idea of taking the selfsame syrup that was once poured into the cups of millions of drinks is now part of a solid, decadent dessert. It's basically like going from Number one to Number two--and that pure elation that came over me upon discovering this was reason enough for me to head to my local McDonald's and see how much gum I could pull off from underneath the tables. 

    Then I think of the endless possibilities surrounding the McFlurry. It's smooth, and yet bumpy, like when you put a beach towel over a rocky area and rub up against it. I can't help but reminisce about the time I was parked across the street from my ex's house, savoring that sweet cookie taste as I listened to Tchaikovsky in the dark. I was so excited by the sight of his bedroom light finally coming on, that I spilled the whole thing in my lap. So I sat there, watching his silhouette move through the window, as the cold snake of ice cream trickled to the back of the seat. To this day, when I think about a McFlurry, I can feel myself slipping into a trance-like state that can only be broken by mention of the great McGriddle, or else an up-skirt photo of Grimace.

    I guess what I'm saying is, McDonald's, I'm loving it.

    P.S. I have no one.

    FROM AROUND THE WEB
    MORE ON EONLINE

    RELATED VIDEOS: