I wanted to write a piece about how Allison Williams is going to play Peter Pan in a live TV production, but when it came out that I'd never seen the movie Peter Pan I was demoted to watching Sharknado 2 and writing a piece on that instead. Here are some of the thoughts I had while watching it.
:01 It opens on their flight to New York, and I know I'm only one minute in, but so far, I don't mind this. I'm actually getting a sense of Ian Ziering and Tara Reid as a couple, and all that they've endured. That said, they should have updated Tara's look. She looks like a mannequin at a defunct Mervyn's.
:05 Is that a shark outside Ian's window, or is he just having PTSD from the last time he was in this movie? Just close your window, Ian. Make it go away. But they're everywhere. Kelly Osbourne shows up. I feel nothing about this.
:07 A shark just flew into one of the jets on the plane. Didn't this happen on JetBlue, but with sea gulls? Now I have this horrible feeling I'm in for non-stop action.
:08 Tara loses her hand? Already? We haven't even seen the opening credits. All of a sudden a shark comes by and now her arm looks like a broken pencil gurgling soy sauce.
:10 A co-worker passes by my desk, points to one of the pilots, and says, "Hey, that's the girl from Half-Baked."
:11 Okay, now it's been three whole minutes of top-volume onomatopoeias. Ian's grunting as he leaps into the cockpit for an emergency landing. Tara sounds like an infant who hasn't completely swallowed her yogurt. I imagine them yelling like this in front of a green screen and then stopping to ask the director, "Was that okay?" Now I'm imagining Tara off-camera, wondering if she picks up cheese cubes by stabbing them with her acrylics.
:14 I may have spaced out because now we're in New York City. Andy Dick makes a cameo as a police officer and I think they gave him the wrong size costume. He looks like a cartoon bookworm drowning in a graduation cap.
:16 Oh and Judd Hirsch from "Taxi" drives the taxi. And Jared from Subway drives the Subway. Oh wait, it's just a random guy with something yellowish on his face.
:30 Now we're in the hospital with Tara Reid. Is she trembling? She sounds like a heavy-drinking seventy-five year old who would say, "Come closer my dear, and don't be scared. I only want you to rub this weird-smelling oil on my clavicle bone."
:32 Okay, so now there's a main character-y group of women riding the Long Island Ferry. This was live streaming and I went to the bathroom so I missed the part where I would have found out how they're all related. Okay, so two of them are mother and daughter. And the other two are just random friends I assume we're not supposed to get to know because they're about to get pummeled by a giant flop of flab blood.
:33 Back to this mother-daughter team. There's something really weird about the way they're hugging. And I feel like the mom has banana breath.
:31 Vivica Fox seems happy. I wonder what her normal life is like. I just keep imagining her descending from spiral staircases and drinking lattes with swans drawn in the foam.
:32 A shark flies onto the ferry, tackles one of the mom-ish friends and devours her head. Then we see the dam of her head pour open. The other three women huddle and back away slowly but seem kind of glad that it was Sharon who died.
:40 All the Sharknado 2 songs sound like music that would play during a bar fight. At a Sharknado themed bar.
:42 We see a wide shot of the Sharknado. Remember that thing in elementary school where you'd make a tornado in a bottle with water, food coloring and dishwasher fluid? It's that except someone got paid tp make it with computers.
:43 I'm starting to realize the breadth of Ian's acting potential. I feel like he could pull off real dramatic roles. Also, these headphones are really starting to hurt pressed down against the sides of my glasses. I'd wear ear buds but have unusually large ear canals.
:45 Now The Statue of Liberty's head is rolling down Broadway Avenue. Isn't that treason? I feel like it's the equivalent of saying you're going to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger.
:47 If this were a real traffic jam seventy-five percent of those people would be listening to podcasts. And twenty five percent would be recording one .
:53 Al Roker and Matt Lauer give their forecast. I start to wonder if Matt Lauer is a narcissist.
:55 If I had to choose between living in a cell with Al Roker or Matt Lauer for the rest of my life, I think I'd pick Matt Lauer. It probably wouldn't be the popular choice, but I think I'd learn more about myself through him.
:57 It's kind of crazy that Al Roker gets this much acting work. I went to Emerson. I should have been a weather person even though I have buck teeth.
:60 Is Mark McGrath's character supposed to be like a Morrissey who shops at J. Crew? I still can't figure out how he fits into this.
:62 I'm starting to wonder how it would affect this movie if one of the sharks wore a blonde, curly wig. Also wondering if it was weird when I blurted "I like your shoes" to the guy standing by the elevator and then proceeded to follow him downstairs and through the farmer's market, even though we were headed in the exact same direction.
1:01 They actually said, "We gotta jump the shark." I think the musical equivalent of this movie is Psy.
1:03 Ian and Tara would definitely have to work on this relationship. I sense zero sexual chemistry.
1:05 In a way, they're just vilifying sharks. And promoting animal cruelty. It's kind of weird, like, why isn't there a main shark who's leading all the rest? Because humanizing them even just a little bit would change the tone completely.
1:07 I wonder how they felt watching "Blackfish."
1:09 Ian's necklace is a shark's tooth. I imagine him using it later to slice a miniature shark in half.
1:10 The sharks are on fire but I'm not sure why. I was kind of thrown off by a text message from my dentist.
1:12 I feel like it's just going to be twenty minutes of sirens now.
1:14 This family honestly looks like a regurgitation of mainstream culture, like they could be happy living in a shopping mall.
1:16 Is Ian Ziering giving the same speech that The Penguin gave in Batman Returns?
1:22 Tara Reid comes to save the day, but her hand has been replaced with a circular saw. She raises her hand cuts a shark in half like it's an infomercial for The Chopper.
1:20 I wonder what it would be like to kiss Tara Reid. There's something about her that's so damaged, and yet so fragile. I feel like it would be like kissing a piece of string cheese. I wonder when I'll kiss someone next. Probably never.
As the credits rolled I didn't feel like an hour of my life had been wasted. But I do feel like I just experienced the visual equivalent of spending the afternoon at an all you can eat Sabarro that also has an endless void you can stare into. See ya next time!