Tonight on The Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman will make a decision on public television. She'll have to decide not only between wearing her hair up or down, but also between two men with whom she's sat in front of velvet-draped apple boxes and talked about the importance of family probably a total of four times. For the last time on her televised quest for love, she'll stand in front of those creepy, gilded picture frames that look like they belong in funeral homes and contemplate (or pretend to contemplate) a decision that…ultimately, does not mean sh*t.
In fact, the decisions that we make in our authentic, untelevised lives are far more significant than Andi's. After all, they're sure to have much longer lasting consequences than which soul mate has been determined by a casting director.
Here are some decisions you've most likely already made today that will far outweigh the one she makes tonight.
Whether to label your second alarm "Alarm 2" or "Second Alarm."
Writing a negative Yelp review or shoving your anger down, thus increasing your chances of colon cancer.
Deciding whether or not to follow a special needs dog on Instagram
Adding guacamole for a dollar extra, or holding up the line to ask why it suddenly costs more, then realizing you're just angry because you've never been to Paris.
Deciding whether or not to follow a special needs dog on Instagram.
Choosing Regular Unleaded, SuperPlus, or the shocking decision you won't want to miss—waiting for the EMPTY light to come on.
Whether to watch a tutorial on French braids or French bread or just watch Phred.
Whether to choose regular or self-checkout when you don't know how much longer you can stand to hold a bag of frozen broccoli.
Taking a full hour lunch break or eating at your desk. (NOTE: This involves real, not "prop" food)
Deciding whether or not to watch a video of your friend's uniquely gifted child playing drums.
Deciding whether to get your friend an iTunes gift card or take an elegant risk and get them nothing.
Deciding whether or not to start an applause break when it's just you and The Mindy Project.
Taking the garbage out or spraying the garbage with Fabreeze knowing it will affect your self-esteem.
The choice between Peppermint-flavored gum, Polar Ice-flavored gum or the hot and possibly rancid breath strips your friend left in your car.
Making a decision as to how you really feel about Daft Punk.
Deciding whether to take the highway or the other highway.
Signing an email "Best Wishes" "All the best" "Best" "Best Always" or "I'm Out B*tches, PEAAACE!"
Deciding which car insurance commercial you want to fall asleep to on Hulu Plus during the finale of "The Bachelorette"