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    "I Wanna Marry Harry" Existed, And Now It's Over

    After just a short period of people watching actual garbage come alive on their television screens, I Wanna Marry Harry was banished to Hulu. And while the show has technically just ended, it was such a trainwreck, it would be a shame not inspect the ruins—if only to make sure that completely fabricated British history doesn't repeat itself.   

    For those lucky enough to have missed this gem, it's based on the totally bogus premise that between family, friends, and a vast world of possibility, Prince Harry's still so desperate for a suitable partner, he's willing to sink beyond even mainstream dating methods like Zoosk and Tinder, and into to the contaminated hot tub level of reality TV.

    Oh wait, but there's kind of an important catch: "Prince Harry" isn't the real Prince Harry. He's a pasty "lookalike" named Matt, who actually looks more like Tilda Swinton.

    In order to help this random guy named Matt on his journey to find love, he's given a wingman. Enter the most generic British butler you can possibly imagine. His name is...no, not Wadsworth. Not Benedict either. Worse. It's Kingsley, and he's not a real butler. He's an actor named Paul. And he was most likely discovered while working as a borderline pervy turkey leg salesman at the Renaissance Fair.

    So, Matt spends weeks courting these unsuspecting women...taking them on corny "royal" dates complete with tea cups and garden strolls--and, of course, a traditional British swimsuit competition, until he decides on a woman who really sees into his soul/is there for the right reasons/gave him a handy under an antique tablecloth.

    Yes, and then once the competition comes to a close, there's another ultimate twist on top of all the other ultimate twists: If the woman he chooses decides she likes him "for who he IS," whatever the hell that's even supposed to mean considering she doesn't know that his actual name or that he sleeps in a bed surrounded by dirty tube socks, will collect a grand reward of  $250,000. And then, one more exciting twist. She has to split it with this Matt guy, who she doesn't know and who is now officially her boyfriend. 

     

    Here, I'd normally write "SPOILER ALERT," but I'll make the assumption that no one actually watched this. So, cue the royal trumpets, and..."Prince Harry" chose the promotional model! And they rode off a tandem bicycle past the FAKE LAMP POSTS into the very real distance of their camera-less lives where they're probably contractually obligated to act like they're a couple for a minimum of 365 days. It's just like a fairytale! The one where a con artist falls in love with a woman who chats people up until they try a new flavor of Gatorade. The end, bless us all. The End.

     

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