Jay Z has 99 problems and they're all the bruises he got when his sister-in-law Solange Knowles attacked the crap out of him in an elevator after the Met Gala the other night.
Some would say this is just another case of rich people doing stuff that not rich people do except these guys are doing it in outfits that cost more that I make all month. Others would say this story needs to be thrown into the celebrity news hopper and talked about endlessly. We say, everybody relax. There are a number of reasonable explanations for this.
One night not too long ago I woke up and thought I saw a shadow person at the end of my bed. I sprang up and took several wild swings at the specter before realizing I was actually going Bald Bull on my wife's closet. Maybe that's exactly what happened here. That or Solange actually saw a real damn ghost in that elevator and saved Jay Z from it. Either way she's a hero and should get a medal.
I'd hate to say this but Chris Brown proved that wildin' out and hitting someone is actually a great career move. He beat Rihanna and not only has he never been more popular but she forgave him. Maybe Solange was thinking the same thing but in this case it's even better because she not a piece of sh*t guy hitting a woman in a car. She's a performer who's hit another ultra-wealthy performer in an elevator. Flawless!
Have you ever seen They Live starring Rowdy Roddy Piper? In this classic film a man finds himself in possession of a pair of sunglasses that allow him to see the world as it really is: In the midst of a full blown secret alien invasion with aliens posing as everyday people. The problem is, when he decides to stop the invasion everyone thinks HE is the crazy one. Sound familiar, Solange? I'm not saying Solange can see the aliens that are slowly and systematically taking over our world and I'm not saying she has recognized Jay Z as one of those aliens but yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
In Game of Thrones there is a group of people with the power to not only see through the eyes of other beings but also control their physical actions. They're called Wargs. Could it be that Solange Knowles fell victim to a Warg? A Warg with an axe to grind with Jay Z? A Warg named Tupac who is actually alive? Think about it.
I won't elaborate on this one other than to say they're real, they're terrifying, and we all know Jay Z and Beyoncé are part of them.
It's also possible Solange drank a little too much at that party and got mad at something Jay Z said possibly blowing a small thing out of proportion. I suppose.
But for real, Wargs right?