With the Bachelor moving out of the Zeitgeist and into a more affordable living situation, you're sure to have the same kind of week you always do. I can't wait to tell you more! Come, my child. I'm feeling like Fiver in Watership Down.
Shakiraquararius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Kanye just released a song in which he refers to his fiancé as a "trophy." That's not very creative thinking for a self-proclaimed genius. Do you think that Kanye might benefit from taking an Intro to Poetry class? This week, like Kanye, expand your vocabulary, creating better, more accurate descriptions for your muse, like "nasal," and "basically a walking butt." Also, re-consider your original plan to auto-tune your nuptials.
Will I Am A Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) Jennifer Lawrence recently had the honor of being a bridesmaid at her brother's wedding. She managed to keep a low profile, only doing crowd work mid-ceremony twice. Are you missing an opportunity to put in less of an effort? According to my TV Guide, ABC Family has been airing Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on repeat since 2004.
Kristen Stewaries (March 21-April 19) I've just discovered a book entitled Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story, which, aside from its title containing one too many colons, doesn't seem to have been written by Justin Bieber, as advertised. On page one, he uses the word "ought" and lovingly elbows his grandpa in the ribs. Add Bieber's book to the Amazon Wishlist you've created under the alias Marquis de Nasty…and see how your submissive reacts.
Channing Tataurus (April 20-May 20) It seems like just yesterday that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin consciously uncoupled, and yet they're currently vacationing together in the Bahamas. Is there a situation in your life dear, Channing Tataurus, that, like Gwyneth's, needs clarification before you can go back to selling two hundred dollar monokinis to children?
Cee Lo Gemini (May 21-June 21) Now that the rash of hypothetical quizzes has finally cleared, you're starting to see the real life effects they've had on your life. Now that you're Kim Deal and moving to Nebraska with your spirit animal, so many conflicts have been naturally resolved. All your hard work will eventually pay off. Yes, dear Cee Lo Gemini, the social security number and private medical history you've shared online will, in fact, get you a discount at Zappos…just not from the source you'd expect.
Lil' Kancer (June 22-July 22) You deserve a break. You've taken more hits this week than an E! Online gallery of the biggest "OMG moments" from someone else's tragedy. Get your inner Peter Campbell ready for the premiere of Mad Men. Don't take any responsibility for your past mistakes, and stay away from Arctic Zero. Really, it looks ike the white stuff that seeps out of microwaved sweet potatoes and tastes like a marshmallow that's undergone radioactive testing.
Jennifer Leopez (July 23-Aug. 22) Justin Bieber just got a brand new Bugatti from a gentleman by the name of Birdman. Think about this the next time a bird relieves itself on your car. You don't see yourself as abundant but you just haven't found people who appreciate when you post selfies with the caption, "Ugly, but still."
Beyoncirgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Corey Feldman has stated that he refuses to act in a sequel of The Goonies if it doesn't have the same magic as the original. Be more like Corey Feldman. Produce your own music videos if and only if the strippers agree to do Chunk's signature dance--the Truffle Shuffle.
Catherine Zeta Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Wrestling is essentially a form of theater, which is why when The Undertaker's winning streak ended, I knew he'd find work elsewhere. Dear Beyoncirgo, lend me your cawliflower ear. Let The Undertaker be your inspiration. After all, he's already being considered for an extra role in a community theater production of Oklahoma.
Scorpio Combs (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Kiss's Paul Stanley didn't invite Gene Simmons to his wedding. Still, Gene thinks no one will recognize him if he shows up in a painted face. Have you reached a point where your disguise is more recognizable than who you truly are? Are you a theoretical physicist in a Kendra Wilkinson body? If so, skip the gym, and let your inner Stephen Hawking shine.
Miley Cyratarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Rolling Stone just had Julia Louis Dreyfus pose nude for their cover…but that was only because they couldn't get George's parents. Sweet Miley Cyratarius, somewhere down the road you've been misled. You need to take your The Most Interesting Man In The World memes, bury them with your Mafia Wars, then spin around three times and say nothing.
R. Kellicorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Technology tends to go haywire during a month with two eclipses…and by "eclipses" I mean Miley Cyrus side-vagina. You may have felt this when HBO Go crashed during the season premiere of Game Of Thrones. Stop stealing the password you saw taped to your friend's great-aunt's refrigerator and steal her wallet instead. You, much like pubic hair in Cameron Diaz's garden, are here to stay.
Next time you hear from me I will have enhanced my third eye! Now, make like Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and pretend it was your choice to leave.