With two eclipses this month and a Sarah Palin return, you'll be in desperate need of some guidance. I've been channeling for two days straight, and now I feel ready to project my childhood trauma onto you.
Shakiraquararius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Maria Menunos pulled what she considered a hilarious a prank by telling her parents her that she was engaged to her long-term boyfriend. The craziest part of it all? Maria Menunos is not in fourth grade. It's time to raise the bar, dear Shakiraquarius. Spend thirty years dwelling on your weight, like Valerie Bertinelli.
Will I Am A Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) Just admit that your "no make-up selfie" did not, in fact, help to raise awareness for Hand, Foot, And Mouth Disease. This month, create your own, more effective brand of Slacktivism. You may not Free Tibet, but you will free everyone in your Facebook Feed from being exposed to your oily t-zone. Also, Will I Am A Pisces, the past is the past. Time to take "Sanford And Son" off your vision board, and no more references to Valerie Bertinelli.
Kristen Stewaries (March 21-April 19) Your week will end similarly to the finale of "How I Met Your Mother," if you only you replace the mother with your cover of "Let It Go." This will benefit you when Jupiter meets Vladimir Putin on Coffeemeetsbagel.com. Cameron Diaz and Jason Segal will soon star in a movie where their private sex tape gets released to family and friends. It's been a long time since you've felt total embarrassment. Come July, be publicly seen in the audience of that movie.
Channing Tataurus (April 20-May 20) Orlando Bloom had to wait six months before he was allowed to kiss Miranda Kerr. Similarly, on set, Orlando Bloom wasn't allowed within six yards of the Hobbit's knick-knacks. Did Orlando Bloom subconsciously put himself in these low self-worth positions? You, my dear, are on the verge of an exciting new opportunity. Well, some don't seem MegaMoney Slots as an opportunity per se, but accept my invite and I'll show you the ropes.
Cee Lo Gemini (May 21-June 21) The Kardashian just released a series of photos from their family vacation. Dear Cee Lo Gemini, would you consider spending a week with Kim Kardashain a vacation? My sources say no. My sources are also toddlers whom I've just asked to bathe. This week, protect your luck by setting new boundaries. From day forward, you trespass onto Selena's property alone.
Lil' Kancer (June 22-July 22) Nikki and Juan Pablo's relationship has already devolved into a long-distance one. With Juan Pablo spinning at Club Venus your life might appear to be in disarray. You don't need much to get things back on track...just a vodka luge, and a rock to build a dream on. Oh but there's so much more I'd like to share with you. For only $7.99/minute, I can tell you how to reverse the curse that's been holding you back. Eh, I'll just tell you now. Find me on LinkedIn.
Jennifer Leopez (July 23-Aug. 22) In "Noah," Russell Crowe breaks out of his concerned facial expression exactly twelve times over the course of 138 minutes. Never mind the numerology...for now. You need to get to find the cause for the great weight that he bears. Do not let him be an example, dear Jennifer Leopez. As a friend obviously concerned about my well-being during a rough patch once said, "If you squint like that, you'll get wrinkles."
Beyoncirgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) If you haven't seen Bethenny Frankel lately, it's because she's busy brewing a cauldron full of aspertame. You should be working on your greater vision too, sweet Beyoncirgo. For example, MasterChef judge Graham Elliot recently lost 150 pounds. And all he had to do was eliminate one contestant. Your assignment for this week is to visit the Catskills, and let me know if anyone's using that joke.
Catherine Zeta Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Mariah Carey hates when Nick Cannon shares stories about his sexual past. But this is only because Mariah doesn't want to fall asleep while he's talking. This week you'll learn that loving is letting go. Do not apply this logic to the handling of fragile objects, babies, or the night. Hold onto that.
Miley Cyratarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Remember: Spuds McKenzie was not just the "original party animal," but at one point, your spirit animal as well. Revisit how you felt when you found out that Spuds was actually a girl named Honey Tree Evil Eye. Then tell your Higher Power, via Slydial. The numbers 2 and 5 are lucky, if you are Jennifer Lawrence.
Scorpio Combs (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Eclipses tend to speed things up, turning even your Dove Gradual Build Self-Tanning Lotion into a relentless, blood-thirsty bronzing machine. On a completely related note, Katy Perry's decided to seek hypnosis to get over her relationship with John Mayer. Friends and family have also suggested that she listen to his music. There are sixteen lessons to learn from Anna Kendrick. Take the number sixteen. One plus six is seven, and seven stands for the Chariot. Also, Miley's dog wants to repair your relationship.
R. Kellicorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Seek answers from all those who refuse to be straightforward. When Madonna's armpit hair crosses Pluto, don't ask if it matches the drapes. Just make drapes out of your own armpit hair and send them to Madonna. Also, if you could bring me a tea from Good Earth, that would be great. I really need to be taking care of myself.
Go forth, brilliant star-travelers. Pharell will soon replace Cee Lo Green, but remember, the parrot…the parrot remains.