It's been less than a month since the finale of "The Bachelor," and already Nikki and Juan Pablo's relationship has degenerated from that shining moment when he winked and said "I like you…a lot," in a Dracula voice, to what Nikki and Juan Pablo claim now define as a long-distance relationship. As you can tell from this one hundred percent accurate timeline, their relatioship will move through many phases.
1 month later: Juan Pablo invites Nikki to an Ibiza Summer Beach Party featuring DJ Lava Lamp. She declines.
2 months later: They move in together.
12 hours later: They get a free HGTV home makeover.
2 days later: Nikki moves out.
1 day later: Corey Feldman moves in.
2 weeks later: Nikki becomes a correspondent on E! News.
1 week later: They agree to Skype, but only for the purpose of taking screenshots for promotional purposes.
3 months later: Juan Pablo joins the cast of "Bachelor Pad," and wins a contest where contestants are asked to pass chewed watermelon seeds back and forth via their genitals.
4 days later: Juan Pablo says he misses Vicky. Chris Harrison says, "You mean Nikki."
7 hours later: Nikki gets impregnated by a guy who was supposed to be a professional football player but suffered a knee injury that forces him to spend his days pounding Mudslides at T.G.I. Friday's. According to Nikki, "He'll be a great dad."
6 hours later: Juan Pablo enters a hot tub. Green tint appears around the rim.
5 years later: Basically the storyline from Jimmy Buffet's "If You Like Pina Coladas," except when she says she liked Pina Coladas all along, Juan's not really listening.
And finally, ten years later, people start to forget to yell, "Douche bag!" when they pass him in the street.