With Mila Kunis now double-bodied, there are so many exciting stories in your future about her daughter heading leaving a Starbucks in West Hollywood in a hoodie! But please, allow me to not exactly digress.
Shakiraquararius (Jan 20-Feb 18) With cliché angels limping through your fifth Haus of Gaga, you'll wonder if there are any good ideas left to borrow from other artists. Here's a thought: Why not mention your source of inspiration? Next time you're being carried down a line of hunky, tuxedo'd men, make sure to give credit where credit is due--and give that much-deserved shout-out to Mikey's Formalwear. Also, resist clicking on links entitled "Morbid Pleasures."
Will I Am A Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) " Kim Kardashian recently stepped out in a haunted doily from 1995, and yet no one offered up an honest opinion before she left the house. Is this a case of The emperor's new clothes? Or is the real secret that's being kept from Kim the fact that she doesn't have any real talent? And no, grapefruit will not interfere with your current RLS medication.
Kristen Stewaries (March 21-April 19) Don't sweat over the fact that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have consciously uncoupled. Yes, Chris Martin is devastated, but that's how he writes his music. When Chris moves into his fourth house of Brentwood, we will all feel the cosmic effects. Corner the market on Greek Gogurt now.
Channing Tataurus (April 20-May 20) A studio in New York is now offering Naked Yoga...because when we're naked we're all the sam-minus the herbalist next to you who forgot to wash his taint. If you want to involve yourself in such a practice, make sure to bring your own yoga mat. You are the lotus you wish to become, and it's not the same person who was banned from the Renaissance Festival due to an incident involving clam chowder in a breadbowl.
Cee Lo Gemini (May 21-June 21) Who cares if Jay-Z has been lying about his age? He also only had 26 problems. This week, pay attention to the glass ceiling on your fourth house of ideas. Surely, there are so many inventions involving motorized carts that bring food to you that you can dream up and never pitch on Shark Tank.
Lil' Kancer (June 22-July 22) You will meet a mysterious stranger, only to find out it was just Nick Cannon in whiteface. DO NOT FOLLOW HIS LEAD. Doing so would result in marrying Mariah Carey and having the power to shut down Disneyland and walk on piers and eat cotton candy in cut-off shorts. Actually, do as you please. Numbers 3, 7, and 24 are lucky if and only if you are Frano Selak. Happiness awaits you on Picassa Web Albums.
Jennifer Leopez (July 24-Aug. 22) You'll break a sweat with LaToya Jackson's Step Up Workout, if and only if you use the DVD as a frisbee. With Bachelorette couple Ashley and JP now expecting their first child, you'll feel inspired to become impregnanted on a jet ski. Also, don't wink when ordering your steaks "Rare-plus."
Beyoncirgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) When the moon slips back into Daisy Dukes, so does Jessica Simpson. Why are we so committed to the past? Could it be that we are contractually obligated to wobble atop platform espadrille sandals u? Heed Jennifer Aniston's recent beauty advice that "The simpler the better." Why? Because according to my omens, you should heed the advice of anyone who does an interview where they're being paid to mention Aveeno Daily Moisturizing Lotion. This horoscope has been brought to you by Aveeno Daily Moistrurizing Lotion. "Aveeno. Not just a lotion you always confused with the name of a rental car company."
Catherine Zeta Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Did you lose sleep after hearing that the plots of "The Little Mermaid," "Tangled," and "Frozen" may have been intentionally intertwined? ? If so, continue monitoring the career of Kelly Clarkson. One day you will understand that the "The War Of Art" is the new "The Secret" which was the new "The Ten Commitments" and only those who sleep as if positioned in a Sarcophogus will be spared.
Miley Cyratarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Kris Jenner is being allegedly extorted by someone who claims to have her sex tape. What that person doesn't know is it's just a tape of a feral bear tearing into a box of wine. But what can you take from this, dear Miley Cyratarius? Don't go near while Kris Jenner while menstruating. See "Noah."
R. Kellicorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Just because you're the last horoscope to appear doesn't mean I don't write you first. Somtimes we don't realize that we're actually seeing things upside down--like Courtney Stodden. Challenge your preconceived notions, and you'll be just as disappointed as I was when I learned that The Marshmallow Challenge only calls for one marshmallow.
Now go forth, and be like a baby on the cover of Vogue...innocent and yet only one year away from being used to market a fragrance.