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From One White Dude to Another - Advice for Nick Cannon

So, Nick Cannon is apparently white now and I know what you're thinking: Wasn't he kind of before? That's debatable.

Nick posted this picture to Instagram yesterday along with the accompanying caption, "It's official…I'm White!!!"

Nick Cannon, Instagram Instagram

Not bad. He's got sort of a "Kohl's ad from the late 90s" kind of vibe. I feel like "Even Flow" could start playing at any second.

For now, let's disregard the fact that this picture is promoting Nick's new album White People Party Music. And it's probably best for us to also gloss over the fact that this character is named "Connor Smallnut". Let's stick to the real issue here. If Nick Cannon is truly going white and never coming back (I think that's how that old rhyme goes) he's going to need to start doing white people stuff.

Nick, here are a few tips from one white guy to another.

Music

This might come as a shock, Nick, but did you know that when we're in private white people only listen to classical music? It's true. All those scenes in movies of stuffy Caucasians eating dinner like a bunch of tuxedo wearing nerds to Vivaldi's Four Seasons were right on the money. PS - I hope you like tuxedo dinners because that's the only way we dine.

Food

Speaking of food, white people are omnivorous. I know, crazy right? We're even allowed to put different kinds of hot sauce on stuff! It's awesome. Just eat a cucumber every now and then and you'll be fine. Also, you can still shop at any standard grocery store. Not every white person shops exclusively at farmer's markets. I'm sure that's a relief although considering you're wealthy and live in Los Angeles you probably know about way more farmer's markets than I do. Let's chat about it on the "White People Info" Facebook page.

DANCING

You can only dance to Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart." And it has to be line dancing. Here's an instructional video.

You can also choose to dance stiffly to Vivaldi's Four Seasons but you probably already guessed that.

FINAL TIP

Whatever you do, Nick, DO NOT DO BLACK FACE. I can't stress this enough. It's really racially insensitive.

Ok, that's it. Have a great time being white, Nick. You're going to love it.

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