Shakiraquararius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Courtney Love thought she saw traces of the missing airplane en route to Malaysia. Similarly, you once thought you saw Courtney Love but it was just a melted sundae. Appearances can be deceiving. Shazam Farrah Abraham's new music video and all you'll get is sickness, suffering, darkness, and ten percent off at Wet Seal. The world is your crop top. Wear it wisely.
Will I Am A Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) When the moon enters through the crease between Nick Nolte's eyebrows, try to appreciate the smaller things in life. For instance, have you ever noticed how the intro music for "The Real Housewives" sounds a lot like the theme song from "Inspector Gadget"? Also, pay attention to the CW show "Arrow," and Kylie Minogue.
Kristen Stewaries (March 21-April 19) Did you know that Ryan Seacrest needs to stand on five copies of Cameron Diaz's "The Body Book" just to see out his window at E!? Be like Ryan. Start referring to all of your friends as "America." Also, revisit Classmates.com. You might just find that the guy who did finger-paintings of the Red Hot Chili Pepper symbol has moved on to Hoobastank.
Channing Tataurus (April 20-May 20) I get the feeling that you get the feeling that Kim Kardashian, Naya Rivera, and Karreuch Tran are all the same selfie-taking, cut-out dress-wearing woman. Let me ask, have you ever seen them all at Delano South Beach Club at the same time? Exactly. See, Channing Tataurus, you tend to compartmentalize all your worst qualities. But if they joined forces, they'd have the power to reign over a Midori launch party, look at all the nail in art, and in unison, exclaim, "I'm, like, obsessed." And possibly remix "Ignition." Again.
Cee Lo Gemini (May 21-June 21) When Oprah was a young girl, she never dreamed that she'd have her own flavor of Chai Tea at Starbucks. But it makes sense since, back then, Starbucks didn't even exist. And neither did Oprah. Does that frighten you, my child? Then it's time to ask some serious questions. Is it too late to become a former gymnast? Can you imagine a time in the future whem Courtney Stodden will need a contraption to support her anatomically unsound limbs while she flying her Aerofurbulator to the Senior AVNs? The future belongs to you and to children who have been exposed to Fifty Shades of Grey at an early age.
Lil' Kancer (June 22-July 22) Khloe Kardashian claims to have found a cure for camel toe. Her solution is none other than the ever-popular Spanx. She might receive some criticism since health risks have been associated with the skin-tight shorts. Your preservation, unlike a Kardashian's, will not thrive in airtight casing. Don't let your inner reality star overshadow your scientific genius. Remove the sock from your sock bun. Add wasabi mayonnaise. Fly, my dear, fly.
Jennifer Leopez (July 23-Aug. 22) When Charlie Sheen enters your fifth house while fingering your fourth house, you question his intentions. Remember: Charlie once set out in search of the loch ness monster and ended up snorting coke from the vulva of a Banshee. It's time to move on. Ditch the MTV Matchmaker. Give MacKeeper a chance. Also, the jig is up. Dr. Phil doesn't really care about your man cave.
Beyoncirgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Don't let John Mayer control your mood. When he enters your fifth house with $5,000,000 worth of fake Rolex watches, focus on your own goals instead. Where's your epic Bloody Mary? Where's your "I got Vincent Vega! Which "Pulp Fiction" Character are you?" Well guess what? Cool Whip lasts forever, so you'll be the only one ready for the imminent societal collapse. Also, earn 1,000 a day from home! No sales! Cash money EVERY DAY. My sister did it and made $$$$
Catherine Zeta Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) When the Shamrock Shake left Pisces, you began to feel a spring malaise. Mr. T was recently inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. What took so long, you ask? Well, it could be the fact that he was never actually a wrestler to begin with. This week, you'll find yourself in a similar situation, but don't feel like a phony when they hang your picture on the wall. They do that with everyone at Glamour Shots, and they take them down when you leave.
Scorpio Combs (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) When Kim Kardashian gave birth to baby North, someone broke into her medical records—including the ones that Kim hadn't even posted to Instagram. Are you dealing with a similar type of invasion of space? Think twice before setting boundaries. Thanks to her criminal, Kim found out she'd tested negative for talent. Also, it's been over two weeks since Kesha dropped the dollar sign from her name. Now it's time to ask yourself if there's something you'd be better off without, like chocolate covered raisins, toe rings, and E!.
Miley Cyratarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) With Megan Fox in Ugg boots you'll find it difficult to enjoy the simple things in life. And on top of it all, hearing that Selena Gomez and Zooey Deschanel had a girls' night makes you squirm worse than finding out that your ex's porn stash is full of scraggly redheads wearing t-shirts that say "I love nerds." When Kyle Richards finds Saturn crossing BRAVO, you'll need to change the channel. So when was the last time you treated yourself to a Tyler Perry movie? And is that something you'd consider "a treat"?
R. Kellicorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) When Gwyneth heard that Chris Martin had been chosen as the new judge on "The Voice," she nearly GOOP'd her pants. That said, she was also riding a horse while eating butternut raisin soup at the time. Think of how you'd react to a loved one's news. "Gravity" left your third house long ago. It's time to reveal the skeletons in your closet and use them to make organic soup stock.
Now go forth, and enjoy Saturn's harsh angles to Angelina's cheekbones. And remember, when a miracle happens a health professional will be right there to guide you through it.