With H&R Block in direct opposition to your House of Cards, you'll need some much-deserved guidance. So come with me on this journey through the stars! My Latisse Eyelash Formula has been messing with my third eye, and I can't wait to tell you how meaningless your life is.
Shakiraquararius (Jan 20-Feb 18) HBO Go crashed during the finale of "True Detective," but how can we be certain it wasn't due to an overwhelming number of customers who all at once decided to watch "Magic Mike"? This is a perfect time to throw away any notions conceived between March1st through the 9th, along with all of your receipts for Horny Goat Weed.
Will I Am A Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) Justin Bieber has just made it public that he'd like to create his own line of Styrofoam cups…so that he can sip his "sizzurp" in style. It's time for you to tackle something equally meaningful, like intravenously fed porn. Your dreams are unique and belong only to you, as soon as you give up acting. Fly, my dear, fly.
Kristen Stewaries (March 21-April 19) You've been getting about as much attention as a Groupon for 76% off Laser Hydrotherapy. Follow Juan Pablo's lead and put in even less effort. With luck, you'll become a spokesperson for Carnival Cruises, or just have really rich parents.
Channing Tataurus (April 20-May 20) It's not so much that John Mayer sounded off on "The Bachelor." It's that John Mayer watches "The Bachelor," from his balcony every night with opera binoculars until five a.m. So, where do you see yourself five years from now when Kim and Khloe Take Moons Over My Hammy? On or near March 15th, you will find your muse. Then you will pay for your Meggings, and walk away.
Cee Lo Gemini (May 21-June 21) When Miley slides down your vulva into retrograde, you'll be the one left to clean the mess. But don't worry. You won't have anything else to do. With "Shark Tank" in your house of income, you'll be having passive, yet blissful revelations...like the fact that Barbara and Laurie were never interchangeable, and that when Jessica Simpson stretches her denim over Mercury, it actually makes it seem kind-of dated.
Lil' Kancer (June 22-July 22) March is the ideal time to work on all your Lena Dunham-related plans. There's also a new Muppet Movie coming to theaters, and much like "The Great Muppet Caper," it centers around a stolen gem. This is most likely due to the fact that burglary is one of the only crimes suitable for children. That's perfectly fine for the Muppets. You, however, must unleash your terrorist Piggy and let your prostitute Animal shine.
Jennifer Leopez (July 23-Aug. 22) Did you know that Oprah's given name was Orpah? Surprised? If not, learn how to feign a startled expression by watching Farrah Abraham's sex tape. With your estranged step-brother moving into your fourth house you're never going to get your money back no matter how much he's making selling knives door-to-door for Cutco. Plan ahead. And remember, only frogs were born with real thigh gaps.
Beyoncirgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Khloe Kardashian just appeared as a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race and now she might return to the X Factor. It just goes to show that one minute you're doing something you were told that you wanted to do and the next minute you're doing something you only kind of wanted to do in the first place. Live your mother's dream. Climb every leather ottoman. Life has so much to offer, like passive-aggressive emails with the subject line "hey."
Catherine Zeta Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Joan Rivers recently revealed that she once touched Johnny Carson's penis. Is there a piece of personal news that absolutely no one wants to hear yet you're dying to reveal? Love is like a Bloomin' Onion. You travel all the way to Outback Steakhouse to find it, but once you get there, you find out you had a neighbor with low-self-esteem who would have made you one all along.
Scorpio Combs (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) The key this week is to sit back and truly savor the cheaters, kidnappers and criminals featured on "Maury." Take Courtney Stodden. She's been out of the news for nearly a week, getting the rest and relaxation she deserves, or else new elbows.
Miley Cyratarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Taylor Swift has had it up to her tasteful diamond-drop earrings with the fact that Selena Gomez keeps going back to Justin Bieber. At this point, she's an expert at flaunting her high moral standards. Is there anything you could do to be more like Taylor Swift? Try losing all the qualities that make you an interesting human being. Develop a love for gilded antique hairbrushes.
R. Kellicorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You knew something wasn't quite right when you found out that the new cast of "Dancing With The Stars" included two professional ice-dancers. You felt equally jilted when you found out McDonald's Monopoly game was open to the public. Now's the time to get inspired by the recently unearthed list of Lindsay Lohan's greatest loves. It's time to make a list of your own, starting with hotel mini-fridges and cocaine. Then spin around three times and say, "Goodbye, Hollywood Junk Machine."
I can't wait to tell you what happens next week, or three years from now when "Big Bang Theory" is still on.