Shakiraquararius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Producers of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are having a hard time finding women who are willing to be on their show. Like the good women of Beverly Hills, do not succumb to your ego. Your pool noodles and perfume launches are private. Share them only with family, friends, and the producers of "Shahs of Sunset."
Will I Am A Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) Lil' Kancer (June 22-July 22) A California resident is suing McDonald's for only getting one napkin. Have you resigned yourself to similarly limited thinking? With Hayden Panetierre in your second house of love, it won't matter if you get a little mustard on your lap, only that you wore a dead person's wedding dress to the drive-thru.
Kristen Stewaries (March 21-April 19) This week will be full of surprises bigger than stumbling upon an image of a snake embryo in the Home Décor section on Pinterest. Brace yourself. You're going to get that mid-century modern credenza, but only after shedding your judgmental outlook on life. You've gone for so long thinking there was no upper lip hiding beneath Dr. Phil's mustache. But have you ever stopped to think it might be hiding someplace else? By the time you have your answer, it will be March 9th, and you will have become obsessed with homes that you'd never guess are actually RVs.
Channing Tataurus (April 20-May 20) Are you ready to say goodbye to Chipotle guacamole? And did you ever really say hello? Count your, blessings, and this time, include Toni Braxton. She'll be entering your house of money on the 15th bearing gifts. Before you accept any cassette singles of "Un-Break My Heart," let Toni know that you refuse to communicate with any other Braxtons. It's also time to deal with your disappointment regarding your one-week trial with Hulu Plus.
Cee Lo Gemini (May 21-June 21) Bachelor contestant Andi Dorfman went from having a respectable career as a lawyer to agreeing to become this year's new Bachelorette. Use her as an example, even when Hot Topic insists that they don't need volunteers. Selena Gomez, Amy Adams, and Gomez Addams are lucky.
Lil' Kancer (June 22-July 22) Kim Kardashian is one of the wealthiest women in the world, and yet she accepted $500,000 to work for one evening as a personal escort. Is there an old version of yourself that you're hiding behind? If so, make sure to really hype it up for your reality show. No reality show? Try inner work resulting it outer change. Also, try laser-cut sushi, and Zoosk.
Jennifer Leopez (July 23-Aug. 22) The effects of a two planets forming a thirty degree angle can result in immense creativity. Go through your closet. Do you have any old shoeboxes that resemble Jon Travolta? If so, discard them now. It's also a good time to keep your Aquarian age to yourself, especially when Justin Bieber's Escalade moves into your garage.
Beyoncirgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Contrary to rumors, One Direction is not really splitting up. Why did you ever think they were? Sometimes having Beyonce in your House of Dereon can cause one to feel like an asymmetrical tank top. Your inner Alec Baldwin needs private time, and with Scarlett Johansson now double-bodied, you can expect more reruns of House Hunters. But be careful. From March 3rd through 17th, Venus is in your house of representatives. Skip through the scenes in the documentary Mitt where his socks seem to lose elasticity.
Catherine Zeta Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) If Ellen DeGeneres had offered you a slice of pizza at Oscars, would you have accepted? With Skrillex hair in opposition to the Sun, it's time to ask yourself if you're taking big enough risks. Take a selfie when Mars is sixty degrees away from your bathroom mirror. This portion of the horoscope was brought to you by Samsung. Samsung. Imagine. Samsung.
Scorpio Combs (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Did you know that the London School of Economics has their own Hummus Society? Is there a way for you to similarly abbreviate your passion into something you could quickly rattle off in an elevator? Now ask yourself how Taylor Swift would answer that question. Now purchase a hot iron that has the ability to create wavy bangs. Now cut the word "hashtag" from your everyday speech.
Miley Cyratarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You like everything about Tracy Anderson's Dance + Cardio DVD...except for the fact that it requires you to fist pump alone in your living room. What frustrates you most about this? Do you associate the gesture with the likes of emotionally invested sports fans and/or Pauly D? Do you fist pump alone and and feel a tiny cockroach of shame crawl out from the cracks of your seemingly impenetrable psyche? Face it. You're the Laura Prepon of your own mental prison. Freshen up your cell with a mid-century modern credenza.
R. Kellicorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Once I heard that Paula Deen was able to pick her career and start over again, I had new faith in your future. A lot can be gained if you hide behind Dolly Parton. One minute you were looking up IKEA life hacks, and then it dawned on your that IKEA is a life hack. Use tax season as a time of reflection. Cut back on GPS devices and fast forward through Are You The One?
Now, onward! And remember to honor your inner Kendall Jenners with the trips to Versailles they deserve.