Here come the Oscars. I mean, not right this minute but on Sunday. Some time at night I think. But Oscars, right! OSCARS!!!! Here I pause briefly to contemplate life choices that could have been made differently and lead to not writing about the Oscars. For instance, maybe I should have stayed in St. Petersburg with Deana. I'd probably be a boat captain by now. Oh well. Oscars.
Sure, a lot of celebrities and other people with awesome cars, money, and the ability to pull grade A tail out of thin air whenever they want to will be getting awards at the Oscars on Sunday but what about the rest of us? Shouldn't we get something for talking about the Oscars? I mean, without us watching and talking about it would there even be an Oscars? The answer is yes but it would be super weird because that's what happens when rich people get together and celebrate in private. It gets really weird. Break out the Eyes Wide Shut Masks and scared runaways who don't know what they signed up for. It's the Private Oscars!
It's time we gave out some Oscars to the people we know who talk about the Oscars, watch the Oscars, have Oscar parties, or even just care about the outcome for whatever reason.
Here in no particular order are the winners of the first annual (although this will probably be the only time we do this) Soup Oscar Oscars.
This year's "Best Douche" award goes to that guy in your office who said, "Of course 12 Years a Slave will win. It's about slavery. If there was a Holocaust movie that would win too." I should also note that when it doesn't win one of its categories he will reprise this sentiment although this time with surprise that it didn't win.
The winner of the "Sweet Sweet Misguided Simple One" award goes to your aunt who thinks that Frozen should sweep the Oscars. It's the only nominee she's seen and she's seen it 12 times including the sing along. NOTE: Your aunt also won this year for "Loudest Rendition of ‘Let It Go' in a Car".
Receiving this year's "Never Forget" award is that dude from junior high that you haven't seen in years but are friends with on Facebook who was the only person to defend American Hustle's 10 Oscars nominations because he's never forgotten how much he loved Boogie Nights. In fact he has the poster on his wall right now (no frame). His American Hustle poster has been ordered.
Our winner this year for the "Dial It Back a Notch" award is your friend who's throwing an Oscar party and A) will be wearing a dress. A FORMAL F*CKING DRESS and B) expects everyone else to be dressed up too. Incidentally, she's also secretly pulling for Frozen to sweep.
The award for "Secret Creep" goes to that guy you know who actually makes a lot of good points about why Her was his favorite movie of the year. Unfortunately the real reason he loved it is his genuine desire to place his penis inside a phone with Scarlett Johansson's voice. I know this because I share that dream.
Finally, the "Why You Hatin'?" award. This Oscar Oscar recognizes achievements in the field of straight up hating on the Oscars. This year it goes to me and everyone else who says they don't watch the Oscars then spends the next 8 hours writing jokes about it on Twitter or mumbling it to themselves in a darkened room with nothing but the light of the television illuminating them. That's how I like to do it.
This Sunday, watch the Oscars or don't. Talk about them or don't give a sh*t. Either way, remember this: No matter how many pats on the back the stars give themselves that night they're nothing without us watching what they do.
Now if you'll excuse me, the Scarlett Johansson's voice app just finished installing on my phone.