I've seen the future, and it looks a lot like Jennifer Aniston with a Denzel face...but I don't want to reveal too much too soon. However I would love to take you on a cosmic journey with the following expertly channeled and incredibly accurate astrological omens.
Shakiraquararius (Jan 20-Feb 18) With Robin Thicke in Retrograde, it's the perfect time to appear shocked when people say they haven't started watching House of Cards. But don't act too shocked. Save some of your endless surprise for when people tell you they're not watching True Detective.
Will I Am A Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) With the recent astrological divide between Katy Perry and John Mayer, you can gain helpful insight into your own relationship. If single, stop describing your lunch as "amazeballs." If in a relationship, do the same.
Kristen Stewaries (March 21-April 19) You find yourself missing the freer, more guttural Beyonce who didn't feel the need to control her face. Order your free birth chart here!
Channing Tataurus (April 20-May 20) It's time to do your part. For Katherine Heigl, that meant rescuing the stray dogs of Sochi. There's currently a shortage of clowns. Why not become one? Also, don't call Katherine Heigl's reps and ask how many dogs she actually saved and whether she was ever in Sochi at all.
Cee Lo Gemini (May 21-June 21) Like Bethenny Frankel, you've dealt with a lot of disppoinment this year. In the end, it's all how you manage the news that Acai Berry supplements were just a scam. Ask yourself, is this more about the fact that you didn't lose weight, or that you were lied to by Britney Spears?
Lil' Kancer (June 22-July 22) With The Bachelor now moving in and out of Fantasy Suites, you'll feel the need to travel. Don't make any moves until March 27th, when Corey Feldman leaves his house of dated furniture for some White Castle Chicken Rings. After all, you don't want to look in the mirror one day and see Harvey Levin.
Jennifer Leopez (July 23-Aug. 22) Abraham Lincoln said, "Things may come to those who wait, but the only things left by those who hustle." And yet there's no way to rush the arrival of the Shamrock Shake. Don't let time pass you by. Take every Buzzfeed quiz you can.
Beyoncirgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Amy Adams wasn't always famous. In fact, she started out working as a greeter at Hooters. It takes time to achieve your dreams. Quit your job, whatever it is, and go work at Hooters. Only then will Justin Bieber enter your fifth house and pee in your fourth mop bucket.
Catherine Zeta Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) A stitch in time saves nine, but when Heidi Klum wears a skeleton t-shirt, we all suffer. Why? Think about this. Ellen selected a tuxedo for the Oscars at the same time that you put a documentary about a woman whose dental implant got stuck in her sinuses in your Netflix Instant Queue. Coincidence? Just stay away from the Long Island Medium. She's toxic.
Scorpio Combs (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) You missed the Bangerz concert because you were too busy studying photos of stars without make-up. What has your life become? Well, don't be too hard on yourself. Pull those Doritos Locos Tacos out of your glovebox, crank up the Evanescence, and watch the ground beef grease run down your chin in the crystal clear sunlight of your rear view mirror. Also, seek employment.
Miley Cyratarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Are Kendall Jenner's tattoos real? Well, how about your intentions? It's time to take a good look at yourself and ask if you ever truly liked Dove's Beauty Campaign, or Gwyneth Paltrow's web site GOOP. And then keep those answers to yourself.
R. Kellicorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Don't sign any contracts until Kim Kardashian has finished lasering her chest area. Doing so too early could result in you marrying Doug Hutchison, or, best case scenario, agreeing to hand your best Satanic bathroom graffiti over to Shia LaBouef.
Now, go forth. And remember, the world is your under-five-minute video submisison for The Voice.