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    The Real Winners Of The 2014 Olympics: These Guys

    You'd think that with all the coverage of the 2014 Sochi Olympics, it would be impossible to overlook one of the most memorable aspects of the entire event. But unfortunately, the athletic talent of 88 nations overshadowed the performance of the giant, spirited animals who stood behind them.

    Luckily, after last night's closing ceremony, we found a rabid dog gnawing on a party hat...and next to it, we found a program. We finally got to know the mascots who turned just regular Olympics into regular Olympics that also included a bear, a rabbit, and a leopard.

     

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    BOB BRACKETS

    Bob is beyond ecstatic to get the crowds going at the 2014 Olympics. After putting in twenty long years as a locksmith, Bob reached the age of forty-two, and decided to become a high school mascot. He left that job completely on his own terms, regardless of any claims made by Robbinsdale School District 391. In fact, there is absolutely no reason he shouldn't trusted, and his cousin Mick, who booked the Olympic mascots this year, will back him up on that. His hobbies include re-enacting scenes from "Mighty Ducks," and attending One Direction concerts, where he prefers to sit alone in the balcony. He can be contacted via Meet-An-Inmate, or Zoosk.



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    DENISE FONTAINE

    Denise is thrilled to be a mascot in the 2014 Olympics. She got her start as an extra in "Watership Down," and went on to act in a cross-gender production of "Harvey." She had to drop out halfway through, though, when more lucrative offers came her way. She wants fans to know that she doesn't see herself as sexy, but actually as more of a sexy tomboy. Seriously, at home all she wears is baggy men's shirts and tousled hair. She also wants to say that she'd consider doing Playboy, but ONLY if it's tasteful. Otherwise, she'd only go topless if the role called for it, like in a Jessica Biel kind of way.



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    BROCKIE STULLMAN

    Brockie can only describe his experience in the Olypmics as being so bad it's good, like in an M Night Shyamalan's "The Happening" way. He thinks it's hilarious that he's a leopard and yet they asked him to DJ at the closing ceremony, just because he once mentioned that he'd worked as a clerk in a record store. He wants fans to know the Olympic higher-ups made him play the most popular songs, which were the worst on every album. In his spare time he watches that old Quizno's commercial with the rat. Now that he's been to Sochi, he thinks he might want to start a microbrewery-slash-food-fusion truck here. He wants to thank the people of Sochi for letting leopards ride their Fixies down the street. After this he'll probably keep doing the mascot thing, but just at bars.

     

     

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    BUBBLES BRONSTEIN

    Unfortunately, Bubbles, a Sochi native, went missing, and never made it. 









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