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    The Bachelor: Juan Mistake After Another

    Last night on The Bachelor, Juan Pablo saved face by telling Clare that he regretted their late-night, oceanic fool-around in Vietnam. He was worried that his daughter would, years later, stumble upon his DVR and immediately want to pierce her entire face. Just kidding, he was only worried about how America felt about his parenting skills.

    In order to set the record straight, Juan Pablo expressed his concern to Clare on national television. It makes sense, since he had absolutely no say in their extracurricular coition.

    Juan Pablo is absolutely right. His daughter will see him on The Bachelor someday. She'll find out what he did...and Juan Pablo will have no choice but to tell her the truth. Oh yes, his day of reckoning will come.

    INT. THE PABLO RESIDENCE- EARLY EVENING, OR NEARING THE END OF A DISTANT HAPPY HOUR

    JUAN PABLO hurriedly shaves his chest in the mirror. Behind a thick cloud of Axe body spray, his thirteen-year-old daughter, CAMILLA, appears.

    CAMILLA
    Dad, I need to show you something.

    JUAN PABLO
    Sorry, sweetie. I don't have time. I'm already running late to meet Brenda.

    CAMILLA
    It's important.

    JUAN PABLO sighs, and follows his daughter into the living room. She turns on the TV. We see footage of JUAN PABLO wiping tears from his eyes as he hands a rose to an extremely tan woman.

    CAMILLA
    Tell me, Dad. What were you doing in Vietnam?? And why does this woman's dress only have one shoulder?

    JUAN PABLO
    Let's talk about it another time. Hey, remember how much fun we had yesterday when we went to Lens Crafters to get transitional lenses?

    CAMILLA
    Those were for you, Dad. Not me.

    JUAN PABLO
    Seriously, Brenda's been waiting at Dave & Buster's for fifteen minutes now, I gotta--

    CAMILLA
    I want to know the truth, Dad. You were in a cave with one woman, then you were kissing another woman in the ocean. You keep saying, "I feel something between us." I'm so confused.

    JUAN PABLO
    That woman…

    CAMILLA
    Which one?

    JUAN PABLO
    The fun, ocean-y one. Clara L. Or wait, no, it was--

    CAMILLA
    That's my mother??

    JUAN PABLO
    No, Camilla. Have you ever heard of something called a "reality show"?

    CAMILLA
    No.

    JUAN PABLO
    (relieved)
    Oh, wow…okay, good. Well, no one knows this, but I was held prisoner…along with 27 female personal trainers. And they put the whole thing on television. They flew me around the world and made me participate in extreme sports. They made me motorboat women in tubs of boiling water water! I was their guinea pig. Their lab rat.

    CAMILLA
    (sighing)
    That explains a lot, Dad.  Until now, I've never understood why people look upon you with so much pity.

    JUAN PABLO
    I mean, no—but I was also hero! I saved their lives, and it gave you a better one.

    CAMILLA
    So wait—I was ALIVE when this happened? I can't believe they tore you away from me. And that you had no choice in it!

    JUAN PABLO
    Me neither, Camilla. But if it weren't for ABC, we wouldn't be able to afford our Total Gym Functional Leg Training Machine.

    We suddenly hear a child crying.

    We pan out to see there are twenty-six other children in the room.

    We cut to the moon, moving quickly across a picturesque, night sky.

    Then Chris Harrison says, "Welcome to an all-new season of Bachelor Dadz!"...and the next 50 years grind on.

     

     

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