When Miley taped her country-themed Unplugged on Tuesday, she knew she needed to keep people on her toes. It had been such a big year of nipple pasties and humping floors in leotards, she had to find a way to up the ante. So, she followed the lead of every 1980s orgy, and decided to add Madonna.
Together, they seized their crotches, exposed their tongues, and doled out a generous number of spankings. In other words, it failed to shock us. So we came up with 10 things that Miley and Madonna could have done to keep us even semi-engaged.
1. They could have relied on musical talent. Can you imagine if these two let the music speak for itself? It would probably be like the end of Les Liasons Dangereuse where the Madame de Merteuil washes off her make-up and realizes the wretched monster she has become. In other words, extremely compelling.
2. They could have done less motorboating. Spanking and grinding—we get it. It's a permanent part of the act. But motorboating during a romantic ballad makes it really hard for us to digest the true meaning of the song. If we can't hear the words, how will we know that you truly lived to tell the tale of the young man who broke your heart at Vanessa Hudgens' pool party? Tell us that, Madonna.
3. They could have refrained from using Fleshlights as microphones. Sure, fleshlights as microphones are par for the course in the music biz, but they could have used regular microphones, even had Miley requested they be placed inside their vaginas.
4. They could have had 4 extremely muscular gay back-up dancers instead of 60 It's not fair to make so many men pretend to worship you for such a long period of time. Also, saying "We only need four guys," says you're a minimalist, which will be the perfect way for you to foreshadow the makeover written into your contract--or, rather, deeply felt personal transformation.
5. They could have forgone wearing mini cowboy hats over their vaginas. But really, the "tiny vagina hats" trend was over in 2011.
6. They could have stopped to let the person in seat 43C know that their car was being towed. "Is anyone here driving a red Mazda Miata?" It's not that hard to say. And let's not kid ourselves--Miley knows that you "can't stop" between 4-6PM outside of that venue.
7. They could have licked the end of a piece of thread so it could more easily fit through the head of a needle. No one's ever done that before, unplugged.
8. They could have used more manure. Of course the bales of hay complimented the country theme, but there wasn't enough manure for the audience to really "get" her music.
9. They could have drawn a moustache on a photo of Sinead O'Connor, ripped it into pieces, then handed a piece to everyone in the audience and had them write the phrase "SEXY REVOLUTION!!" on it, then had Madonna shove them all in her bra at once!! This would really help spread their message of healthy sexual exploration of normal human sexuality through giant teddy bears and cowboy hats. Plus, let's face it. It's time to put that plotting, socially conscious, snake-in-the-grass Sinead O'Connor in her place.
10. They could have cut to Britney Spears eating nachos. But then she takes off her mask and she's Katy Perry eating whipped cream. And then she takes off a mask and there's an adorable corgi, with its tongue out. The end.