If you woke up this morning and have been conscious at all you know that Justin Bieber got arrested. No, we don't really want to talk about it either but we have to. It's in the contract we made with Satan in order to get our jobs here. Which, in retrospect was not a really great deal for us.
The Biebs was drunk and drag racing in a Lamborghini that someone loaned him. Then the cops showed up. Then they took Justin away. Then he smiled in his mugshot.
Then a teen girl hung that mug shot on her wall and cried. Years later she will recall this part of her life with a sense of shame and confusion.
If we were Justine, we'd be smiling too. Why? Because nothing bad can happen to him so why not smile? He spent his night drunk racing a car worth more than $100,000 dollars (a car he didn't even own), was caught, and the most jail time he'll probably see for it was last night in whatever office they sat him in to protect him from other prisoners. Maybe he'll have to pay a fine? No big deal he's super rich. Rehab? Ok. If he even stays for the entire stint he'll be out in what, three months and off to blow $10,000 in the "too large for a normal human head" section of the New Era hat store.
In short, although a normal person would face jail time and major life changing punishments for this sort of potentially dangerous douche baggery, we belieb Justin will face literally zero repercussions for his actions because he's not a normal person. He's a brand. You can't throw the book at McDonald's for drunk driving. And even if you could, McDonald's has a giant record label, a mountain of cash, and a gross twisted pile of lawyers behind him that will make sure nothing happens. Oh, just to be clear, McDonald's is Justin Bieber in that example. McDonald's wearing a Chanel ski mask to be specific.
So what do regular people like us do in the face of this? How do we respond? For that answer, we turn to an unlikely source: Our weird and wonderful friend Shepard Smith from FOX News. His response to the Justin Bieber press conference in Miami-Dade County was about the best any of us can muster.
Mistah Biebah indeed, Shep. Mistah Biebah indeed