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    We Have The First Draft Of Jacqueline Bisset's Golden Globes Speech

    Jacqueline's speech could have been much worse, and to prove it, we have an exclusive first draft. In order to make it easier to follow, we've highlighted everything that Ms. Bisset was kind enough to cut:

    (One one thousand, two one thousand…I am completely transparent, a warrior of the arts, don't they understand? My personal hell…my noble resurrection.) God…(deafening laughter, applause)...(then, act like I suddenly have terrible news) I think it was 47 years ago that the Hollywood Foreign Press gave me a promising — a nomination for the — a promising newcomer! Thank you very much, Hollywood foreign press.  And in 2009, Hollywood Beach was named one of the "Best Beaches for Families" by Fodor's Travel Guide, but I think there are plenty of other great beaches, I mean, let's not kid ourselves, people. I've been to Monaco. I'm absolutely shaken-- I can't believe this — that I'm saying this to you and not my mirror or most recent acupuncturist –sorry, Rhoda, Tuesdays at one no longer work for me and a holistic practice like this, I mean, it has to work for both people, God knows — You've nominated me about five times despite your numerous attempts to stop me because you knew I was also voted "8th Grade Legend," right? Well, I was. And so was Doug Felton, who later ended up selling clams somewhere in Saint Jean-De-Luz--hi Doug! But anyway— I think this — anyway — O.K. . . . Scottish background to the front.  And wipe front to back. Are you getting this all on camera? I didn't do anything wrong. I was just trying to help the poor creature. I didn't realize it had crawled out of its cage and I rolled over in my sleep and, well, anyway…I always wanted to do something for the BBC (Push hair out of my eyes with my pinkie). . . and we did this, and this was great. I'll never forget my high school guidance counselor saying, "I saw you smoking at Marcello's Pizza." And I said, "That wasn't me. And he said, "You know, all of this could go away." Chiwetel, where are you? Can I see Chiwetel? I need him for inspiration. Where is he?  Where is the cast of "Game of Thrones"? What a show. O.K. We had a good cast, didn't we? It was great. Starz, thank you for putting this on, and . . . Thank you to my British agent, Steve Kenis, and my American agent, Harry Abrams. (Music comes on. I am now a majestic falcon breathing insight into those brave enough to truly see me) I'm sorry. I'm going to get this together. I really am. And I'd like the officer who told me back in 2009 that I couldn't park on the odd side of the street before ten a.m., it doesn't matter,  I want to thank the people who have given me joy, gift certificates to Zales, and my neighbor Cecilia who advised me against taking an extension class at UCLA when courses are so much more affordable at Los Angeles Community College--hello to everyone in Beginning Candlemaking, never forget to love yourselves, and INVEST IN SOME CUCUMBER SCENTS, they're marvelous (gracious laugh)! And there have been many. (Become a bit more relatable. Come down to their level.) s---, I say, like my mother, what did she say? — she said, "You have diarrhea of the mouth," and then, "Go to hell, and don't come back." (Endless laughter and everyone thinking, "Bisset can probably do comedy, too.") However, however, however, my mother was not entirely me. Although I was born jaundiced, with very high levels of biliburin. I believe, if you want to look good, you've got to forgive everybody. You have to forgive everybody — it's the best beauty treatment. Forgiveness for yourself, and for the others. (Think of Stacy from 24 Hour Fitness's comment about working on "wiggly abs" or how Jacques refuses to come by to pick up his massage table or cuff links) I love my friends. I love my family, and you are so kind. Thank you so much. (Standing ovation, then in unison, audience cries, "This will probably happen again next year!")

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