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'Twas The Night Before Kanye's Christmas

Most of us recognize Clement Clarke Moore's ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas as the quintessential Yuletide poem. In order to improve upon it, one would have to be an absolute genius. And yet…somewhere, in an eleven million dollar house, the self-declared voice of our generation took his quill pen, and stared at it for a very long time. And then, he went on his computer, and re-wrote the classic poem.

SantaKanye

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
by Kanye West

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
That has rod iron railings I came up with myself
Not a creature was stirring because I'm not into that
But at some point I'd really like to sell and distribute my clothes at the Gap
I waited for St. Nicholas to come
Because I knew that I'd be like a mentor to him
With little North West all snug in her bed
And her little eyebrows freshly waxed on her head
With Kim snapping selfies and me sipping vodka
And thinking out loud (which I do a cappella)
I went downstairs and was like, "When the hell they gonna finish my music studio?"
When all of a sudden there stood this dude, yo.
At first I was like, "That's a lot of white trim."
And then I said the best thing ever, "Hi, Santa. You're him."
He would have looked cooler had he been adorned
In leather jogging pants…or like, a crown made of thorns.
St. Nick then said, "Ho, ho, ho. It's a pleasure!"
I said, "Imma let you finish, but I can do better."
Then I went outside and renamed his reindeer.
"But Kanye!" said Santa, "I've done this for years!
Of course I've never played a concert that left fans in tears…."
"And have you heard Christmas in Harlem? Sung by The Yeez?"
"Yes," replied Santa, "But I prefer Run D.MC.'s"
I stared Santa down hard as he slurped his Swiss Miss
And said, "That's just gonna make me work harder next Christmas."
Now! Brishtag, now! Klimson, now! Liptarius, and Jean-Ergot.
On Shashita, on #Fred. And there's another one I really liked but I forgot.
I was feeling like a genius, like the god of icicles.
So I made the reindeer duckface naked on my motorcycle.
"You can learn from me, Santa," is what I said to him.
And right then I heard a big butt. It was Kim.
She had cookies for Santa, and there was a crew,
Fake snow started falling--and Kris was there too!
And they'll show it on E! even though I specifically said not to.
Right there in the flurry, I threw down my mike,
And said, "You guys have a good night. I have to go. I'm feeling really inspired right now."

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