You can now lie down and exhale on a soft and steady surface. The Grammy nominations you so anxiously awaited have finally been announced. Now it's time to obsess over who got what they deserved, and who has the right to stew bitterly in a rocking chair, muttering "Jay Z" under their breath from this day forward. So without further ado, here they are...those who Scored, and those who were Snubbed and will now have to go work at a bank like everyone else.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
SCORE: Katy Perry,"Roar" This woman is a hero. Did you see the video?? She's an example to accident survivors everywhere. You can't just go on singing about the little things, like how you smell like a minibar. That was yesterday. You need to start over...even if with just a simple chin-down selfie.
SNUB: Patricia Krentcil, "It's Tan Mom." The talent is clearly there. We just need to wait for America to catch up. "It's Tan Mom" is the declaration of a new era. It's Patricia claiming her place in the industry. It's her "It's Britney, Bitch." Patricia may very well be the voice of our generation. She's the next Susan Boyle, if Susan Boyle were an autotuned frog in a turkey bag.
BEST NEW AGE ALBUM
SCORE: Love's River by Laura Sullivan. Laura deserves this nomination more than anyone else who makes a point of emphasizing her love of dandelions. Each precious and deliberate chord will make you yearn to spend a day in a sensory deprivation tank where you will be completely safe from the sound of soft piano music that reminds you of baby powder. Wow. Just wow.
SNUB: Controlling Your Rage With Chimes. Yes, I'm referring to the selfsame album you've breathed in so many times in the lobby of your therapists' office, during your group masturbation workshop, and while sitting in your car outside your ex's house with the engine running, sweat dripping down your forehead, repeating over and over to yourself, "DO NOT FOLLOW THROUGH."
BEST NEW ARTIST
SCORE: Kacey Musgraves Kacey, we are so proud of you. Your artistry shines through in lyrics like, "Make lots of noise/ Kiss lots of boys/ Or kiss lots of girls/ If that's something you're into." Thanks you, Kacey. We need options in this world. That's why you made the list.
SNUB: Whoever made these hand knives.
BEST CHAMBER MUSIC OR OTHER SMALL ENSEMBLE PERFORMANCE
SCORE: Violin Sonatas: Leonitus Kavakos and Enrico Pace. These two. These two. What can I say? Leonitus and Enrico got together and made it happen once again. Now these star violinists be up there with other household names like one of the cartoon three little pigs, Tevya from Fiddler on the Roof, and my neighbor's son, who continues to play "Mexican Hayride" past eight o'clock in the evening despite my multiple, and extremely firm requests.
SNUB: Miley's Bears. Right now there's an ensemble of unemployed bears so shocked they can't put their tongues back in their mouths. Aw, just as Miley would have wanted it.
BEST ALBUM FOR CHILDREN
SCORE and SNUB: Elizabeth Mitchell's "Blue Clouds" Well, congratulations to Elizabeth, but Blue Clouds seems a little sophisticated for this category. Songs like Froggie Went-A-Courtin and Moon Don't Go evoke really painful memories of getting served divorce papers at McDonald's Playplace...for all of us.
SNUB: Kidz Bop's "Kidz Bop, Vol 23." No nomination for Kidz Bop? Again this year?? How can Academy say no to a bunch of kids singing Bring Me To Life by Evanescence? With playful lyrics like, "Leading you down into my core/where I've become so numb," and "I've been living a lie/There's nothing inside," this snub will be forever be remembered as an unforgivable betrayal unto the blackened hearts of all children.
Moving forward, let's keep these Snubs in our prayers, since they will not have the chance to pray publicly, onstage.