The holidays will be here faster than you can say, "increased chance of heart disease," and if you're an employee of McDonald's, you're probably dealing with the same thing you do every other day of your life: the fact that you slave away at a thankless job for $7.25 an hour. But don't worry! Their "McResources" web site has a special section called "Digging Out From Holiday Debt," where you can learn to shove your frustrations down like a giant sack of Big Macs sure to fester in your colon for holiday seasons to come.
Here are some of their actual suggestions:
Break food into pieces so that you can eat less and still feel full.
Sell some of your unwanted possessions on eBay or Craigslist.
Sing to lower your blood pressure.
Take a holiday. It will reduce your risk of heart attack by 50 percent.
We scrolled down even further on the McResources site and found an additional list with even more helpful tips:
Kickstarter. Have people contribute to your wacky movie idea about a single mother who can't afford to go to the store and buy groceries. That or have people contribute directly to a wacky single mother who can't afford to go to the store and buy groceries.
Clean your uniform with rain. Save your quarters, and at the end of the month you can sit down and stress-eat a McRib. PS – Break it into pieces to fool yourself into thinking you're eating more like we told you to on the website.
Consider suicide. Don't pass up your chance of becoming the Vincent van Gogh of McDonald's! Your immediate family will receive a free small soft drink on the day of your funeral (if you can afford to have one).
Create a mantra. Come up with an inspiring phrase, like, "I don't need water or power," "Ronald would never hurt me," or "May I take your order?"
Worker's Comp. It's not your fault you slipped. What was a banana peel on the floor of Del Taco?? (Also, get a job at Del Taco.)
Relieve stress at McDonald's Playplace. It's not just for kids! It's also for pedophiles. And employees who want to unwind by sweeping up some French fries.
Say you're a drifter anyway. You'll seem even cooler when you act like you're used to being asked to leave the parking lot.
Grow a tail. You'll come across as loveable, and people will be more likely to let you crash on their couches. Also, the odds are the same for this as McDonald's giving you more money.
Prostitution. For more information on prostitution, contact Human Resources.