Eventually Hollywood will turn everything into a movie. Books, toys, muffin flavors. Everything. To that end here comes Noah, a brand new reimagining of the classic biblical story Noah's Ark. Noah will be played by Russell Crowe (of course) who will star alongside Anthony Hopkins as "Old Man with Ponytail" and Emma Watson as "Hermione Granger" (I assume).
We'd like to believe that this will be a thoughtful, emotional retelling of a well worn classic, but let's be real. Based on the trailer, this is a Hollywood blockbuster. There are cell phone and Subway tie-ins to be considered and probably a video game that needs to be made. I mean, it looks like they added an army attacking the ark to the story. That being the case, here are a few excerpts from what we assume will be scenes in Noah.
First off, if I was a Hollywood exec thinking, "What was missing from the original story that I can now ham-fistedly jam into our version to make the trailer more exciting?" what would I choose? Answer: magical creatures.
Great. Now, we're going to need a little comic relief. Oooh, you know what's always good for that? A scene of a husband getting taken down a peg by his sassy wife.
Cool (PS - we'll name the wife later).
Ok, on to the big finale. The storm isn't enough. No. We need something more...Transformers meets Cloverfield meets Transformers 2.
Brilliant! Now, if we can figure out a way to work Noah using a Samsung Galaxy into this thing, we'll be golden.