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    The Spy Who “Accidentally” Fell Into A Padlocked Duffel Bag And Shagged Me

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    We all have accidents. Some of us accidentally pee our pants from laughing too hard at cat videos on the internet, others accidentally get killed and stuffed into a padlocked duffel bag.

    Here's the story: A BRITISH SPY was found DEAD in a PADLOCKED DUFFEL BAG. And the police chief insists that it was "most probably" an accident. Because let's face it: We all know how clumsy British spies are. Who DOESN'T know a British spy who has accidentally killed themselves and then posthumously stuffed their own dead body into a duffel bag.

    We suppose this death being an accident isn't totally out of the question. Here's a beat-by-beat analysis of our best guess as to how this spy, Gareth Williams, did this to himself.

    Step 1: Slip on a banana peel that your dumb pet monkey left on the floor and fall on your head.
    Step 2: Get up and brush it off -- that fall sure hurt your head and boy are you dizzy! Better go lie down on your bed, which is one of those collapsible beds that occasionally spontaneously collapses on itself at the most inopportune moments when you're least expecting it…
    Step 3: Your bed collapses on itself at the most inopportune moment, folding your body in half.
    Step 4: As you slide off your bed, body still folded in half, you fall right into an open duffel bag.
    Step 5: Your pet monkey then "accidentally" zips up the duffel bag and "accidentally" padlocks it. Then your monkey pulls off his rubber monkey mask to reveal he's Tom Cruise.

    And that's how you accidentally die and padlock yourself in a WAIT A SECOND THIS IS NO ACCIDENT IT'S MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 5!

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