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Minimally Tragic and Absolutely Predictable News: Doug and Courtney are Separated

DourtneyMeh

It seems like only yesterday that everyone with a functioning brain predicted this day would come and today that day came. After two years of creepy marriage Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden have legally separated. I'll give you all a second to let the inevitability of this event set in.

Ok? Good.

Of course, when something like this happens to a couple that has burrowed its way into popular culture and embedded itself like a hookworm, it raises many questions. To that end we've prepared this handy FAQ to hopefully answer all of your concerns.

Q. What went wrong?

A. Nothing. This was in their business plan from the beginning.  

Q. Do they still love each other?

A. Of course they say they do but many would argue that beings without souls are incapable of love.

Q. What will become of their dog Dourtney?

A. The couple will share custody until they become bored and/or having a dog no longer serves their terrifyingly tenacious efforts to remain relevant. After that Dourtney will be given a new name and set adrift on a raft in the Pacific where it will, hopefully, be dealt a swift and merciful end to the unbearable memories it will have to live with.

Q. Wait, they had a f*cking dog named DOURTNEY? WTF?!

A. I know.

Q. I feel nothing about this. Does that make me a terrible person?

A. No. It makes you human.

Now, in honor of everyone predicting this would happen from the God forsaken moment these two climbed out of a slime pit and into our lives, here are Doug and Courtney in happier times...For them, not us.

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